


I would have you

by Niiin



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Post Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), a shitload of lyrics and memes, basically already married, bucky's a tech nerd, but not really, cliche and cheesy af, he has 9 cats, no hate to Tony, sam-bucky shenanigans, shameless pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-11 04:35:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 36,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17440064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niiin/pseuds/Niiin
Summary: Every time we would tie the ropes back together, they would break and we would be back on square one. But our bond finally healed. We couldn’t fall apart again.Losing Bucky on the train, seeing him suffer and not knowing who he was were the worst possible situations we could have ever possibly found ourselves in. But this time was different.This one was on me.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, it’s my first proper fic and I think it’s taken me way longer to edit than to actually write and I’m satisfied with how it turned out in the end. 
> 
> This ship wrecked me and ruined my life. I don’t know what’s to come in the Endgame, but I love them unconditionally, so I hope you’ll enjoy my little contribution to the Stucky fandom.
> 
> Also, beware the fuckton of lyrics and memes and 1st person pov. It’s cheesy as hell.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you like it! Enjoy!

**_Tuesday,_ ** **_September 15th, 2016_ **

 

**Steve’s POV**

  
  


“James?!?”

 

The door slammed shut. I punched a white stucco wall and skinned my knuckles.

  
  


_ If this is love, I don’t want it. Take it away! _

  
  


“Dammit!”, I growled, sucking onto the bloody bruise.

 

The audacity I gained for this and all the poison I spilled made me nauseous. I actually considered grabbing the nearest knife or my gun when the Skype call sound scared the shit out of me, making me curse again. 

 

Sitting down on the sofa, I sighed heavily before opening my laptop to see Natasha in her chair, focused on something she played with in her hands.

 

_ End of the line. I’m fucking doomed. _

 

The apartment, as always, seemed pretty clean and brightened by the light in the kitchen. It was unusually quiet though. Normally, there would be music playing in the background even at this hour or just Sam being Sam. This time, a fly couldn’t have been heard.

 

Nat must have noticed my presence because she cleared her throat and looked up from the table but still avoiding my eyes.  

 

Her eye bags were dark and bigger than usual, obviously no make-up but still pretty. She wore the Captain America shirt she bought herself as a joke for Christmas and her auburn hair was pinned up in a messy ponytail. I could tell she was wearing her night braces by the way she moved her mouth due to discomfort. 

 

All in all, she looked exhausted and very awkward. Even more so for the last few months.

 

“How much did you hear?”, I finally dared to ask, might have as well whispered. Of course she knew. _ I’m being kicked out from the building in the morning. _ It was around 3am already.

 

She scoffed and looked at me with a dull expression. “Enough. I even put my headphones on and  _ really _ tried not to listen coz it’s none of my business...but here we are.”, she gave a short, forced smile as she finished.

 

I figured an apology would be a stupid move so I only put my hands up as to show I had no idea what to do with myself and shrugged. 

 

A few moments of awkward silence later, as I actually gathered the guts to say something, she stopped me by putting her hand in front of her.

 

“Steve…”, she sighed, “I’m not gonna tell you how to live your life nor do I wanna preach at 3.17 in the morning but for th-”, her head turned to the right just when Sam walked behind her in the same direction, ignoring us.

 

“Well, he’s pissed to-”, she cut me off again.

 

“Barnes has made a lot of mistakes. Most of them he wasn’t even responsible for and you know it.”, she looked me straight in the eye with a serious expression this time and I knew I would do better to shut up. 

 

“We’ve all made shit moves. And the regrets I’ve been failing to count are sometimes just so...suffocating. But tonight…”, the sound of a bitter laugh escaped her mouth and she rubbed her eyes with her knuckles.

 

“You done fucked up, honey.”

 

Her voice cracked. I knew I have hurt Bucky many times. Hell, I would be a bitch to Nat and Sam as well. But never was I the one to reduce her to tears. On the top of it all, this had nothing to do with her.

 

“I’m sorry.”, I whispered and hung my head low, feeling smaller than ever.

 

“God, kid! Don’t apologize to me.”

 

Looking up, I saw her shaking her head while she stared over the laptop at something in the distance.

 

“He left.”

 

“I heard.”, she sighed impatiently. “Get your shit together, apologize and pray he doesn’t leave you again if he comes back.”

  
  


_ No, don’t! _

  
  


“I will.”, there was nothing else to say. “Thanks.”

 

“By the way..”, my brows shot up to show I was listening. “Does he like being called ‘James’?”, she gave a flirty smile as she ended the call.

 

If I had rolled my eyes harder, maybe I would have found a brain somewhere in the back. I also needed to grow some balls. 

 

_ Pathetic _ .

 

My heart broke into million pieces when I saw him. He was lost and hungry for safety and some kindness. I guess he was as stunned as I was because we both basically gasped when we laid eyes on each other. 

  
  


_ It’s him. On the doorstep. A grim figure. Damp, greasy hair, reaching the shoulders, falling into his eyes. Tired and unfocused. His clothes are wet and dirty. In his hand a bag with, I assume, more clothing and probably some kind of a weapon. Aside from his metal arm. It isn’t visible but still there. His red lips quiver as if he is on the verge of a break down. Insecure and longing. But how can one blame him? _

 

_ Stepping aside and letting him in, I am trying my very best not to jump him and hold him. He appears very awkward and out of place, standing by the door and looking around. As I approach him slowly, he allows me to take his bag and carry it to my bedroom. I show him around without saying much. We are mostly silent and it feels comfortable enough.  _

 

_ “I didn’t know you could grow a beard.”, the confused whisper sets me off.  _

 

_ He is probably scared to death though and still giving his all to appear normal. God knows where he had been for three years.  _

 

_ I offer him my bed (of course I would sleep in the living room) but he turns down every time. _

  
  


I didn’t mind. As long as he was safe.

 

As long as he was home with me.

 

I haven’t felt that happy since I had gotten into the army which, typically, ended up badly. And here we were again.

 

I scared him off before even starting over and I couldn’t say it came out of nowhere because I must have said something to trigger him or… 

 

Patience. Not the only thing I lacked. The temptation to go back to who we were and what we had was stronger now that he was within reach and got the best of me. 

 

I put my own needs before his and it might have been the first time I had done so. Smashed plates and glasses, broken walls and holes in the doors didn’t wreck me the way seeing him transform into a monster they engraved into his being. 

 

And to say my reaction wasn’t entirely subtle would be an understatement.

 

_______

  
  


I couldn’t clear my mind for the death of me. Drawing wasn’t helping. Nor did working out and walking was out of the question. It only wore me off even more and I nearly collapsed a few times. 

 

But when I lay down, I would be more awake than ever. Contemplating existence and imagining whether the physical pain would feel worse if I brought it upon myself or maybe ease the one on the inside.

 

I have ended up pacing around till the sun came out but ditched the run with Sam. Sure, I damn well knew I deserved to be preached and put into place but I wasn’t up for it. 

 

Sam and I have never had a fight. Ever. We bickered, yes, but that was nothing compared to what I had coming today. 

 

Staying inside was crap and ignoring everyone’s calls was 10 times shittier. I was way in over my head, expecting someone to knock the door down any second.

 

Around five in the afternoon, I finally answered Sam’s 15th call. He could have just walked a few steps down the stairs… And I could have been a little less of a jackass. 

 

“I bought some food while I was out...10 hours ago.”, he blurted out immediately in order to avoid apologies or insults. “So if you need anything, let us know. Come over or whatever.”

 

His voice didn’t exactly strike as chuffed, rather annoyed and disappointed but I could only be thankful they made an effort and dared to call.

 

“Right.”  _ Beautiful. _

 

And….he hung up.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**_Wednesday,_ ** **_September 16th, 2016_ **

  
  


The next day went just as smoothly. A few smashed beer bottles, a couple of kicked chairs and flipped tables...not a first. A pure combination of agony and guilt I have been carrying along for as long as I can remember.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**_Thursday,_ ** **_September 17th, 2016_ **

  
  


I haven’t even realised how long I have been lounging on the sofa, questioning my life until it rang in my head and the pulse started pounding in my neck. I nearly dozed off when it went off again.

 

_ The doorbell. _

 

I was startled into a sitting position and immediately regretted it. Losing focus, I got dizzy and fell back down. Judging by the blinding dawn outside, it could have been around 6 am.

 

He was still gone. 

 

It’s been two days now and I was starting to get seriously worried. He couldn’t just leave without saying where he was going or when he was going to be back. Or...why couldn’t he? 

 

His bag stayed untouched right by the pillar in the foyer, where he had put it when he first showed up and now it was the only thing giving me hop-

 

_ Riiiing! _

 

_ Shit.  _

 

I totally forgot someone was there.  _ How come they haven’t left yet? _ It must have been at least five minutes since they last tried. I shot up and hurried over to the door, running a hand through my hair to look somewhat presentable. 

 

_ Does this really matter right now, though? _

 

Before turning the keys, I peeked through the peephole just in case but unfortunately no luck. The light in the hallway was out. Anyone I knew always called first. 

 

After preparing myself to give them a piece of my mind for having the audacity to disturb so early, I slowly unlocked and opened the door to reveal…

 

I was aware of my dumb expression as my eyes widened and lips parted a bit but I didn’t care. 

 

Bucky was leaning sleepily against the door frame, his gaze fixed on his feet. As I stood aside, he walked in, his head still low. 

 

“I um...forgot my keys.”, his voice was raspy which did not come in as convenient or handy but that was not the point nor was it appropriate. 

 

_ He’s back. _

 

He looked ashamed and tired of everyone’s shit. I did him wrong and guilt was eating me inside out, driving me crazy. 

 

I was embarrassed too. Not knowing what to say, I nodded and hummed quietly. The sound might not have even reached his ears because he just strolled lazily into the kitchen.

 

I started pacing around the room. Nervous. What was I supposed say? I couldn’t just beg for forgiveness. Kneel and win him over with tears. Or is that exactly what he would have fallen for? I mentally scoffed. The guy had standards. He had moral grounds and knew his place but he sure as hell wouldn’t let anyone manipulate him. 

 

…

 

Zola crossed my mind and the pressure in the back of my head beckoned me to turn around.

 

Bucky was standing behind the island, facing me. He sipped water from the glass and stared out of the window on his left.

 

My heart was hammering in my chest, threatening to get out. It was quiet, only the sound of unbearable awkwardness present. 

 

I wanted to disappear. I have been through a lot of shit in my life but this? This was nothing alike any near death experience. 

 

Losing Bucky on the train, seeing him suffer and not knowing who he was were the worst possible situations we could have ever possibly found ourselves in. But this time was different. 

 

This one was on me.

 

His eyes were shadowed and I couldn’t help but notice a pinch of vacillation in there somewhere. 

 

What crossed my mind next made my heart skip a beat and I started to panic. My hands were shaking and I suddenly felt weak in my knees. Trying to prevent myself from wheezing, I was taking deep breaths as subtle as possible out of fear it might freak him out, too.

 

_ Is he considering going away?? _

 

He couldn’t have come back only for his stuff. He wouldn’t. I lost him multiple times and I wasn’t going to let it happen again. 

 

Every time we would tie the ropes back together, they would break and we would be back on square one. But our bond finally healed. We couldn’t fall apart again. 

 

_ Over my dead body. _

 

Footsteps snapped me out of my thoughts when I saw him approaching but heading for the bedroom. Completely out of my mind, not aware of what I was doing, a familiar reflex kicked in and I grabbed him by the wrist. 

 

The initial touch ignited, sparking up the feeling from seventy five years ago when it all went downhill.

 

He didn’t flinch, just slowly turned to face me and pulled his hand gently from my grip. 

 

As his gaze met mine, I suddenly realised I wasn’t ready. He didn’t look as if he wanted excuses or apologies, but his eyes shot despair and disappointment at my face. I got lost in his eyes for a moment and all of the air escaped my lungs. 

 

_ Fuck. _

 

I was staring and I had to say something before he was gone again. If I had started to speak, I feared I would never stop and never say enoug-

 

“No, Buck..I..wait, uhh…”, I stuttered when he suddenly took a step back, obviously getting bored. 

 

They called me a hero.

 

“Shit. Ok.”, I brought my hands up to my head and gripped my hair tightly, wanting to rip it all out. Why was it so difficult?

 

Bucky inhaled deeply, preparing for what he was about to hear. I supposed he expected more insults and accusations to be fired at him because his eyes narrowed slightly as well. I was being a dick. And this guy… 

 

God. He was everything. Endured so much crap. He has lost people, been brainwashed and manipulated for ages. And now that he’s finally managed to come to his senses and overcome everything life’s thrown at him, it’s me causing him pain all over again. 

 

Me. The person who he would have died for, always on my six, watching my back and getting me out whenever the hell would break loose. 

 

_ ‘Best friends since childhood, Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers, inseparable both on field and school yard…’ _

 

_ Friends. _

 

The word echoed, making me dizzy and question everything I have ever known. Was he really a friend or something more? Of course he was more. He was my other half. The better part. Keeping me grounded, secure and safe. Reminding me where home was. 

 

“The things I said, Buck...I didn’t mean them. Well, I..I did, kinda but..”

 

Oh, I was doing just brilliant.

 

Bucky exhaled rapidly and turned a bit to his left. I thought he was going to shut me out so I stepped forward but he turned back again and crossed his arms in front of him, shielding himself from me. 

 

He was torn. A man robbed of human decency and dignity till the last miserable remaining fraction. And for what? Sheer fun. For pleasure.

 

“I’m a jerk and I was wrong. I did  _ you _ wrong and I’ve never felt worse. Just..you’ve gotta believe me. You have every right not to but…”, my breathing sped up. Sudden nausea engulfed me. 

 

Bucky just shifted awkwardly and his face fell even more if it was possible.

 

“I was so alone.”,  _ what the fuck am I talking about??, _ “ _ You  _ were alone and I owe you so much.”

 

I could see tears forming in Buck’s eyes. My heart sunk. This was my first time seeing him cry. I wanted to be strong. Strong for him and make it through this without breaking down but he started shaking unexpectedly, bringing his arms up to cover his flushed face and that did it.

 

I leaped forward and took him by the elbows, pulling him in. His whole body was vibrating, at one point I thought he was going to hyperventilate. He started sobbing harder so I pulled him closer by his biceps to keep him still. 

 

As he started to calm down, he placed his hands on my chest, having nowhere else to put them and brought his forehead to mine.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”, I blurted out in a whisper. “I’m so sorry. Please…”

  
  


_ He sniffs and whines quietly.  _

 

_ ‘No.’ _

 

_ “I need you here.”, I whimper out helplessly without even thinking it through first and swallow heavily. I suppose he isn’t really surprised to hear it because he leans in even closer and tilts his head to the right.  _

 

_ My stomach flips. _

 

_ His mouth meets my own and I fall into a complete bliss. I can feel chills running down my spine. It’s nothing like any of the kisses I have ever shared before.  _

 

_ We kiss slowly, no tongue involved. His soft lips caressing mine delicately. It seems as if he is afraid he might break me but it's quite the opposite. He feels so fragile in my arms. Squeezing his biceps softly I… _

 

_ “I need you, too.”, he sighs, out of breath as he detaches our lips but keeps our foreheads together. _

 

_ The weight on my heart drops and I can finally exhale. I lift my gaze to his face.  _

 

_ His brows are furrowed and lips apart as our eyes lock. They are smiling after so long. Maybe this wasn’t a mistake. Maybe I should have said it earlier.  _

 

_ Maybe… _

 

_ He touches my jaw with his real palm as I feel metal fingers massaging my scalp gently. My feet are cold but his hands in my hair overwhel… _

 

_ Wait… _

  
  


My eyes fluttered open and I was met with the most gorgeous sight. The blue eyes were looking down on me thoughtfully. 

 

I was laying on the couch with my head in Buck’s lap while he played with my hair. Appearing insecure, he still managed a sly smirk.

 

_ Fuck.  _

 

My cheeks heated and I turned my head away, realising I had been staring. It was like he could read my mind. His fingers were still tangled in my hair.

 

“If you don’t mind”, my head snapped back to him. “I’d love to take a bath.”

 

I got up that instant, letting him stand. A shy smile played on his lips as he walked over to the bathroom and closed the door behind him.

 

_ How the fuck did we end up on the couch...in that position?? What even happened last night? Was the kiss… _

 

Of course it wasn’t real. Just a cheesy dream. I threw my head back and groaned under my breath. 

 

_ Take me and ease the pain. _

 

_______

  
  


Fifteen minutes later, I was still alone, waiting in deafening silence and getting nervous for some reason. I thought he might have wanted to take his time and enjoy a good shower but I wanted so badly to be next to him at all times...just to make sure he wasn’t in any danger.

 

_ Riiing! _

 

_ Ah, thank God! _ I seriously needed a distraction. I opened the laptop to see Sam sitting on the floor in front of the TV he bought right before ‘the most important game of the season’. He blamed it on Clint but they couldn’t fool me. I didn’t mind, though. As long as he was able to afford it and was happy. At least he didn’t seem as annoyed as the last time.

 

“Hey, man!”, he actually sounded pretty excited and grinned widely.

 

I gave a genuine smile in response. 

 

“So, what’s going on? What you doin’?”, there was a tone of anticipation.

 

“Was about to doodle away some feelings.”

 

He rolled his eyes and threw his arms up before crying loudly, “Naaat!!”

 

\- “We should wh..HOLD ON!”, I heard her yell back from the door. “Sorry, babe. *smooch sound* See ya!” -

 

_ Bruce. _

 

After closing the door, she came into the view, hitting Sam with her foot so he would move over and sitting down beside him. She winced once...twice…

 

“You alright?”, Sam reached for her hand and she squeezed his tightly.

 

“Fine.”

 

She wasn’t but she has never made a big deal out of anything. Leaning against his shoulder, she smiled weakly.

 

I gave them both a concerned look. Sam shrugged and Nat shook her head so I thought it would be for the best to drop it.

 

“Anyways, Sam saw Barnes in the hallway last night. He at your place?”, she finally explained what the fuss was all about.

 

“Yeah, he’s taking a sho...wait, what? What do you mean ‘last night’? He came a little before 6.”

 

They exchanged weird looks when Sam spoke this time.

 

“Um, yeah. He was sitting at your doorstep around 10 when I passed by.”, he shrugged. “I wanted to check up on you but uh...yep.” He popped the ‘p’ and snickered.

 

“Chicken!”, Nat mocked and he...growled?

 

Worse than 5 year olds.

 

I was confused.  _ Why would he wait for 7 hours or even more? _ He couldn’t have felt more embarrassed than I have.

 

The two lunatics before me were considerately quiet for once, looking at me with worry. I could only shrug.

 

“Anyways!”

 

Sam clapped his hands, “He’s back now and hopefully stupid enough to forgive yo- OUCH!”, he yelped. “What’s wrong with you, woman??”, he rubbed the place where Nat jabbed him in the ribs.

 

“Yes. We are  _ very _ happy he’s back.”, she smiled forcefully and glared at Sam who stuck his tongue out at her. “Again.” 

 

She cleared her throat and looked awkwardly into the camera. I couldn’t help but laugh at the ridiculous situation. Those jokers trying not to make me feel bad but still doing a horrible job.

 

Sam got all serious all of a sudden, flashing a disapproving look at me. He knew I crossed the line but I could tell he was afraid.

 

“What did you say he’s doing?”, Nat broke the silence.

 

“Oh, right. He’s in the shower.”

 

Their lips curled into a couple of mischievous smirks.  _ What now? _ I sighed loudly.

 

Sam erupted into laughter while Nat added, “Why aren’t you with him?”

 

“ _ Why _ am I talking to you about this?”

 

“C’mon, Rogers! Don’t be like that. He’s a catch and so are you.”

 

“Romanoff…”, sighing first, I tried to think of a good defence and steer the conversation to a different direction, “...we’re best friends and eve-”

 

“ _ We’re _ best friends, Cap. Your relationship don’t seem as platonic as you think it do. Nor do you want it to be.”

 

“Sam, shut up!”,  _ how dare he??? _

 

“Look at me and tell me it’s not true.”

 

I wanted to. Really, I did. But he wasn’t wrong. Bucky was never just that. He was a soulmate. He has always been, I just hadn’t realised it till I lost him.

 

Looking up at them, I remained silent. They high fived in victory.  _ Idiots _ .

 

“It doesn’t matter though. He doesn’t feel the same.”, he couldn’t. I was certain.

 

“Whatever you say, Steve.”

 

“Ok, change of topic. I heard Bruce.”

 

Nat’s face lit up at the mention of her boyfriend. They have been dating for three years now and it seemed to have been going better than expected. She has had her eye on him for a long time and he had a soft spot for her, too. Everyone was really happy for them. 

 

“Yeah, he came to visit before heading to the lab.”

 

“Well duh. Poor dude needed to mentally prepare for the entire day’s work with that son of a bitch.”, Sam referred to Tony and I couldn’t argue. He had a valid point. No offence to Stark, though.

 

Nat was beaming. “He brought me my favourite cake and pickles and told me h-”, her left arm grasped Sam’s collar and pulled on it while her other palm went to her mouth.

 

“I’ll...I’ll be right back.”

 

Sam helped her up and let her run to the bathroom. “Um…”

 

“It’s ok. I have to make breakfast anyways.”

 

“Right.”

 

“I’ll see ya later then.”, I saluted.

 

“I’m driving.”, he added before disconnecting.

 

Getting up and walking over to the kitchen I debated whether to make Bucky something to eat or not. I didn’t know how long he was going to be in there nor if he will like what I would prepare. 

 

_ What if he’ll hate it? _

 

_ Shut up! _

 

_ He’ll just let you know when he’s out. _

 

I went with cereal and yogurt because that was literally the last thing in the fridge, aside from some vegetables and beer. I had time to go to the market but decided against it because I didn’t want to leave Bucky alone. At least not while he was in the shower. 

 

_ Am I overreacting? He’s not 12. _

 

Still, I didn’t go. There was enough of what I had and I knew he would be happy with it.

  
  


Fifteen minutes later, Bucky was still in the bathroom and I have just finished my coffee when  _ Shoot to thrill  _ ringtone went off.

 

_ Perfect _ . I rolled my eyes and answered reluctantly.

 

“Capsicle?”

 

“Good morning, Tony.”, I greeted with a monotone voice. Surprisingly, he was in a good mood.

 

“Mhmm, whatever. Anyway…”, naturally, I have been ignored and couldn’t bother. “Banner and I are trying to work but the lovebirds are fucking annoying.”

 

“Tony…”, I warned with a serious tone but he continued.

 

“They keep laughing at Vision’s idiotic jokes and she’s working her lashes like ‘You slay me!’”, he did a lame impersonation of Wanda in a high pitched voice.

 

“Tony…”

 

“I didn’t think he was capable of  _ the  _ feelings. By the way, his flirting game is lamer than my blood pressure. And that’s saying something.”

 

“Oh, my God.”, I whispered to myself, putting him on the speaker and rubbing my face with my hands.

 

“He was of much bigger use when he was an UI. His IQ is at least 40% lower. I mean, he ran the entire company for God’s sake!”

 

\- A faint  _ ding  _ sound was heard from the other side and Bruce yelled excitedly,  _ “Yes! We got it! One down. It’s positive.” - _

 

I walked to the bedroom quickly while they were discussing whatever case and came back with hands full of dirty dishes but mostly empty bottles of beer from the last night.

 

Tony spoke again, distractedly. “Finally. Friday, write it down.”

 

_ \- “Yes, sir.” - _

 

Tony’s new UI gave an obedient reply. Jarvis had been more formal but while Friday was just as professional, she had good comebacks and could put Tony into place when Pepper was not around.

 

“Where was I?”, he spoke to me again, “Ah, yes!”

 

“Do I really-”

 

“And now he’s chasing...”

 

“...need to listen to this?”

 

“...15-year old girls.”

 

“Christ! Tony, c’mon.”

 

“I swear!”

 

“Are you done?”, I took my phone back, holding it between my ear and shoulder while gathering the leftovers from the coffee table.

 

“Help.”, he was fake crying and making an even bigger fool of himself which I had been convinced wasn’t possible. I could picture him pouting and facepalmed.

 

“Why are you calling again?”

 

“Talk to the kid, you’re her second favourite for some reason and she won’t listen to me. Which is rude…?”, he sounded offended.

 

“First of all, she’s gonna be 20 in 4 months-”

 

“Wha- Really??”, he cut me off, not making an effort to sound surprised.

 

“And second, what do you suggest I say to her? No, ok. Backtrack...how is this even relevant?”

 

“Management issues is the only one here and he’ll either skedaddle or turn Jade Jaws on me and I don’t need this while we’re still waiting for the results.”

 

_ \- “I heard that!”, _ Bruce cried and Tony ignored him. - 

 

They have been working together 24/7 for years and Banner was one of the few (Wanda and Peter) who still wasn’t immune to Tony’s sarcastic comments and insults. “The meeting’s in two hours and I’m suicidal.”

 

“I’m sure you’ll make it.”

 

“Don’t you dare…”, he raised his voice.

 

“Look, I have to go. Just be…”

 

“No..!!”

 

“...nice for once in your life, that might work.”

 

“Rogers?!”

 

“See ya in two hours.”, I ended the call.

 

_ Jesus take the wheel. _ I felt exhausted. It’s not that he wasn’t always as heavy but he sounded nervous and reluctant. My phone rang again and it was a text this time.

  
  


_ TONY: You’ll pay me for this. *angry emoji* _

  
  


I left it on  _ read.  _

 

Sure, I couldn’t say it wasn’t a tiny bit weird for a teenager and a robot to get along  _ that _ well but who was I to judge. I was in love with my best friend. They have finally found someone to talk to and feel comfortable around which was great and I personally didn’t see it as a problem.

 

What worried me, however, was that Tony knew about Bucky and his parents. It was a touchy topic and he didn’t even know Bucky was back and staying at my place. It could be a surprise if he were to stop by unannounced. He would do that sometimes. 

 

We haven’t talked about it yet but I knew I would have to bring it up eventually because they were bound to meet someday. Of course, I was sure he would react aggressively and I could understand that. But Bucky was far more important. I would always stand by him even if that meant losing everyone else.

 

_______

  
  


I hated conferences. They were boring and useless. Most of us would take it relatively well when Fury held the presentations but we had the secretary of state over today and I knew I wasn’t going to make it. 

 

I would get anxious before stuff like that. It wasn’t the ‘public speech’ thing but the topics and problems thrown in our direction and rubbed in our noses.

 

Before every meeting I would take at least an hour to relax and clear my mind. That was exactly what I was about to do now, taking my notebook and pencils when the bathroom door opened.

 

Out stepped Bucky in a black undershirt and sweatpants, ruffling his wet hair with the towel I picked out for him earlier. What caught my eye was the glove. 

 

He wore a black glove on his left hand. It covered his palm but left his fingers revealed. It sent me a form of security and confidence in a way, knowing he felt more comfortable with it on.

 

I found myself staring and turned away as casually as possible, hoping he hadn’t noticed.

 

“Whatcha doing?”

 

I shook my head, showing the blank paper. “I made you some breakfast. It’s on the table.”

 

“Aww, thanks.”, he strutted over and tossed the towel over the sofa.

 

“There’s beer in the fridge if you want.”

 

“Mhmm…”, he mumbled and dug into his cereal.

 

I normally drew buildings, houses, streets and people in the distance by looking at them but now I had none of that and I was stuck. 

 

The only thing that came to mind was Bucky. I hadn’t drawn him in such a long time. My pencil started playing over the white surface and I haven’t even realised I didn’t need a reference. 

 

His features were permanently tattooed in my mind and I could capture them pretty well. It had been a minute or two and I was working on his hair when I felt him resting his chin on my shoulder from behind.

 

I slammed the notebook shut, startled. He laughed.  _ God, the sound… _

 

“You made me handsome.”, he walked round the sofa and sat on the floor, pouting.

 

_ Are you freaking serious or what?? _

 

I didn’t reply. Instead, I asked, “What do you have there?”, referring to the yellow covered book he had in his lap.

 

“Just um…”, he hesitated, “...something.”

 

_ That’s very specific. _

 

Seeing he was getting nervous and discreetly hiding scribbles while flipping fast through the pages, I dropped it and went back to my drawing.

 

_______

  
  


Messenger notification sound rang twice and not bothering to open the group chat I just checked the time. 11.02.  _ Crap _ . 

 

I had about an hour left till the meeting. I quickly found a new shirt and pulled on some clean pants, grabbing my shield just in case. I didn’t use to bring it with but since Ultron, it wasn’t worth the risk.

 

“Hey, Buck?”

 

“Yeah?”, he called absentmindedly, still reading.

 

“I’ve gotta get to work. I’ll be back in about 3 hours if something doesn’t come up.”

 

He looked at me and was quiet for a few seconds. “Ok. Be safe.”

 

I opened my mouth but no words came out. ‘Be safe.’ I just smiled, unlocking the door before heading out.

 

Round the corner I bumped into Sam and he giggled. “Sup?”

 

I shrugged. “Where’s Widow?”

 

“She took the day off. Cramps, contractions, I don’t even know, man.”, Nat was 8 months pregnant and she was excused from work for over two years but she would still check in almost everyday anyway just to piss Fury and Banner off. 

 

Both her and Bruce deserved a break and even if raising a kid wasn’t exactly a vacation, I knew it would be a blast. They needed a proper family and some alone time. Especially Nat. She has wanted a baby since forever.

 

“Barnes?”, he wouldn’t drop it. Of course not. I wasn’t very subtle when it came to Bucky. 

 

I turned a deep shade of red as Sam nudged me with his left elbow, wiggling his eyebrows. “You know I love me ladies but I gotta admit, you’ve got yourself some hot stuff.”

 

“Shut up!”, I hissed back and he barked out a laugh. We got into the car and drove off.

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Bucky’s POV**

  
  


_ I miss me. The old me. The happy me. I’m tired of trying to fill the void. But I need more. In all the good times I find myself longing for a change.  _

 

_ And there’s more faces. More screams. Always the same. Always death. _

  
  


I have known since we were fourteen. We lived in  _ the  _ neighborhood but for everyone’s sake, I haven’t told a soul and pretended to date girls instead. They weren’t bad, just not really my cup of tea.

 

Steve was...well lets just say I would have been long gone if it weren’t for him. When I think back on it, I understand what he felt like. 

 

A burden.

 

His father fell in the first war and he lost his mother due to tuberculosis. The ill, skinny, twenty year old had nothing. Or so he thought.

 

Despite both of my parents and an older sister being alive, healthy and well, spending time with other friends in school and training with the Howling Commandos, Steve was still the centre of my universe.

 

And now he has taken  _ me _ in. It was shameful even thinking of coming to him for shelter let alone being accepted permanently. I still had doubts about leaving. 

 

Gatecrashing into not only his but his team’s lives felt reckless especially when you were nearly one hundred percent sure your interference would be cataclysmic. He, however...I knew there was no way in hell he would let me go whatever the case was.

 

And to be honest, I was greeted with more than I had been expecting. Steve's apartment was quite nice. Modern but simple and nothing over the top. I liked the flowers and the view. I enjoyed watching the neighbour's cat attempt to sneak up on the pigeons that would come to feed on the crumbs. I  loved the warm glow of the apartment windows and the balcony from which I could observe everything at a safe and comfortable distance.   
  


“Barnes?”

  
  


_ In all the bad times I fear myself. _

  
  


My head turned towards the door and I jumped up from the floor. It definitely wasn’t Steve. He said he would be back at 5 earliest. 

 

The voice belonged to a female but it didn’t ring a bell.  _ Why would it? _ I stood there, facing the door long enough for them to call again.

 

_ They know my name? _

 

“Bucky, it’s ok. It’s Natasha. I’m a friend of Steve’s.”

 

‘A friend of Steve’s.’  _ What does that mean? _

 

_ Shut it, Barnes! _

 

I went to open the door and in front of me stood a pretty woman, red hair, at least a foot shorter than myself and….with a baby bump. If it were Steve’s, he would have informed me. I knew that much.

 

I remembered her though. Of course I did. I shot her on the bridge that day. Steve nearly settled in the aim, too, if it weren’t for that bird dude.

 

Fortunately, the girl seemed fine now. Despite all the crap I put her...all of them through, she didn’t look threatened and smiled warmly up at me. 

 

_ Aren’t you afraid I might go nuts any second? _

 

“May I?”, she gestured towards the apartment.

 

“Oh, yeah. Sure.”, I snapped out of my thoughts and let her in, “Sorry.”

 

She made herself comfortable in the living room right away, which I thought would bother me but didn’t. I would be boring myself to death on the floor for the rest of the day anyway. 

 

I walked up to her, waving my hands awkwardly. “Can I get you anything? Uh, water, food… Pillows?” I felt stupid but she was carrying a child and God knows I was totally useless when it came to that kind of stuff. Hell, I was bad with women in general.  _ Well _ ...

 

She laughed. “Chill, kid. I’m pregnant, not paralyzed. I could still snap you in two if I wanted to.” 

 

That one made me laugh and I relaxed a bit. I had to give it her. She was freaking badass. She did strangle me, twice. “C’mere.”

 

I obeyed, sitting down where she patted the spot next to her.

 

“Kid.”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“I’m almost a century older than you.”

 

“Oh!”, she giggled, “You sound like Steve. He always complains about being old and tired but he’s in a better shape than all of us together.”

 

_ True _ .

 

“You live nearby?”, her casual look took me by surprise. She even had slippers on.

 

Her finger shot up towards the ceiling. “Right above you two. You’ll be seeing a lot more of me, especially now that I have to stay in. All. The. Time.”, she made a gagging noise in between the last three words which made me pout at her sympathetically.

 

A gorgeous smile appeared on her face before she looked away and grinned to herself. I couldn’t help but smile too. “What?”

 

“Just...Steve was right.”

 

_ This can’t be good. _ “About?”

 

“You are still as gorgeous as the last time we saw you.”

 

I turned as red as a tomato and started sweating out of embarrassment but felt flattered at the same time.  _ Steve thought I was _ ... She nudged my left arm playfully. 

 

_ Not as bad. _

 

“I um…”, I swallowed, “...sorry for shooting you and putting everybody in danger.”

 

She waved her hand at me, still smiling widely. “Forget it. Not our first or last time, I can tell you that.”

 

“Yeah, well. I’ve changed. I don’t want people to fear me but this shit here isn’t very beneficial.”, I swung my metal arm in the air.

 

I didn’t want the rant to seem as if I was eager for the excuses to spill. The apology was the least I could have offered. When she didn’t say anything, I continued.

 

“It’s hard, maintaining a healthy social life, let alone actually meeting new people first. I’m a little less grumpy now but…”, 

 

Natasha interrupted by resting her hand on my shoulder. “Don’t sweat it. I understand. All of the Avengers do, in fact. We’re all in the same game, dealing with the same hell just different devils. But we get by. We have to.”, she winked. “You have friends though.”

 

My heart smiled. I felt very warm and honoured to have known people like her and Steve. I wasn’t sure about how welcoming the others would be but even two friends were a nice start.

 

“Anyways...”, she ran her fingers through my bangs, “Have you always rocked the long due?”

 

_______

  
  


I was getting hungry around 6.30 so I decided to bake some pancakes.  _ If we’re both lucky enough, they’ll end up edible and Steve won’t have to worry about dinner.  _

 

A couple of thumps came from the door 10 minutes later. He was back. I dipped the spatula in the mix, wiped my hands and headed to the door. 

 

The shield was tugged on to his uniform at the back and his hands were loaded with grocery bags, hiding his face.

 

“Hey!”, his voice rang from behind all the shit he bought as he attempted to wave but almost lost his balance and dropped everything.

 

“Oh, God. I’ll take that.”, I gladly seized all of the bags from him and carried them back to the kitchen. “So how was your day?”

 

I waited for an answer but got no reply.

 

I swung myself around. Steve was frozen at the spot I left him, staring at me with mouth agape.

 

“Your hair…”, he breathed.

 

“Ah! Right, yeah, well… Natasha decided to switch careers cause she figured she wouldn’t have time for saving the world after the baby comes so she gave it a go.”, I said jokingly, running both hands through my freshly cut hair. 

 

It wasn’t as short as it used to be, though. I still had some longer strands falling into my eyes but it was definitely a change after so long.

 

He still hasn’t moved.

 

“You don’t like it?”, I was worried he would be disappointed but still let Natasha try.  _ We failed _ . “You hate it.” This time it wasn’t a question.

 

“Noo!”, he practically yelled and hurried over. “Of course not! It’s just...you look a lot like your ‘old self’. Which is not a bad thing. It’s great. I would have you either way.”

 

My heart leaped and the butterflies in my stomach went wild. He blushed and I felt myself doing the same. 

 

“Thanks.”, I muttered, studying his face more closely, not even noticing the cuts on his forehead and neck until he was close enough.

 

“Oh my G...Steve, you’re hurt!”, I yelped in worry as I trailed my fingers across the bruises and immediately reached for a wet cloth.

 

He caught my hands with his own and brought them down to his side, offering a wide grin. “It’s okay. They’re almost healed anyway. I had ‘em on the ropes.”

 

_ Typical _ . 

 

I pulled my arms away. “I know you did but one of these days it’s gonna end up being the other way around an…”

 

“Bucky, calm down…”

 

“No, Steve!”, it was heating up. “What if you get seriously injured? Why are you always like that?”

 

“Like what? Buck, that's my job! My life’s at risk every single day.”

 

There goes the pout, “I don’t like that.”

 

“Oh, God.”, he giggled and put on the infamous Captain America smoulder.

 

_ Not the time, Rogers. _

 

“What?”

 

“Stop worrying. I’ll be fine. And it  _ is  _ just a few cuts.”, I felt him put his hand behind my neck, making me look at him.

 

I swallowed and stepped back, preventing myself from tackling him.

 

“You should um...wash up and then join me for dinner after I’m finished here.”

 

“Okay!”, exclaiming excitedly, he locked himself in the bathroom while I returned to the pancakes.  _ This shit better work. I ain’t sweating for nothing here. _

  
  


About 10 minutes of torture later, I was finally done. I saw no point in searching the fridge for syrup and raspberries because there wasn’t much to choose from. Only a couple of tomatoes and a single beer. Not a lot has changed since the war. 

 

_ He might have bought some. _

 

He actually did. Syrup was in one bag, all the existent berries in another. There were even two packages of plums under all the other necessities. 

 

He knew those were my favourite but the last time I checked, the other two went better with pancakes. I unpacked the rest and began decorating with fruit when I heard doors closing.

 

“How’ve you been?”

 

_______

  
  


It turned out better than expected which made me pretty happy. I was relieved not to have fucked shit up. 

 

We mostly ate in silence, pleasant at that, except when Steve kept blabbering about how it was the best dinner he has had in a while but I think he only wanted to make me feel good about myself for once in my life. Not to mention I couldn’t take a compliment. 

 

_ Has he even been eating, though? _

 

Once we finished, he insisted on cleaning everything and got comfortable with me in front of the TV. 

 

I was laying down across the entire sofa while he sat on my side with his legs hanging over my hips. 

 

In all honesty,  _ why pretend to follow that lame show we had on? _ I kept getting distracted by Steve playing with my fingers and bringing my hands up to his lips to subtly leave feather light kisses on my knuckles and fingertips over the glove from time to time.

 

_ Is this weird? _ He was so cool about it.  _ Does he do that to Natasha or any other of his friends? _ I definitely wasn’t complaining just…it was new.

 

“Is Natasha always like that?”

 

“Like what?”, he switched off the TV and turned to face me.

 

“Welcoming, friendly, funny, kind…”, I trailed off and could feel him smiling at me. “She was pretty cool.” 

 

“Yeah. She’s always like that. Unless...well unless you piss her off. In that case, she could cut your balls off and you wouldn’t even notice.”

 

I scoffed. That part was crystal clear.

 

“Well, I like her.”, I admitted.

 

“Me, too. She’s my best friend.”

 

_ What does that make me then? _ I pushed the thought away as I sat upright, our legs tangled and fingers intertwined. He cleared his throat.

 

_ Awkward _ .

 

“What else did you talk about?”

 

“She told me about Bruce, her...boyfriend?”, my brows furrowed. She didn’t specify. I didn’t see a ring either.

 

“Yeah!!”, he threw his head back and made an ‘awww’ noise. “He’s awesome. Wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

 

I raised an eyebrow at him.  _ What about… _

 

“The other guy, though,”, he smirked, “not as easy to reason with.”

 

“Natasha is clearly an exception.”

 

“She’s something else for sure.”

 

I nodded.

 

He suddenly turned very quiet and started fiddling with our fingers again.

 

“Was um…”, clearing his throat, he chuckled uncomfortably and buried his head in his hands.

 

“What?”

 

Laughing, he took my hand back in his again. “Did she say anything about me?” His cheeks were still flushed but the smile faded.

 

_ Cute _ .

 

I inched closer to him and propped my head on my elbow, gaze low.

 

“She said I sound a lot like you.”

  
  


_ I see the heavens each time that you smiles. I hear your heartbeat go on for miles.  _

  
  


I fell for him hard. Literally. And I’d do it thousands of times again if this was my infinite destiny.

 

When the laughter died down, he squeezed my hand, linked our fingers again and examined them as to see if they fit together. 

 

I whispered teasingly, not daring to look up, “She also said you think I’m gorgeous.”, the corners of my mouth turned upwards slightly.

 

His palms were hot and I could feel his pulse beat faster and louder with every passing second. I couldn’t say I was doing any better.

 

My eyes flickered up in time to read his lips as he mouthed.

 

‘You are.’

 

_ Time out!  _

 

Without a word more, he kissed me shortly under the left eye and threw his head backwards onto the pillow, breathing deeply. 

 

I could have died there and then.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**_Friday,_ ** **_September 18th, 2016_ **

  
  


_ In the cold light I’m a blazing flame. In the predatory wind marauding all across the land. _

 

_ I’m out of breath. Heart is racing, bound to blast. Sweat is dripping down my face along with hot tears and blood. My legs are numb from running for miles and hours.  _

 

_ Barely attached, the arm is hanging by a thread. A wire. A single nerve. Struggling to keep myself together, I try to gain some air but no luck.  _

 

_ As I turn back to see them on my tail, dirty face gets cut by the branches swinging wildly.  _

 

_ I curse. _

 

_ Only heavy breathing and leaves crunching audible now. I lose them for a moment and a hint of relief floats through my veins but I feel cold. _

 

_ ‘Not again.’ _

 

_ Not backing down, I speed up. I’m on the loose. Out in the open but far from freedom. Deep, long howls fill the air and the moonlight peeks through the clouds peppered across the sky.  _

 

_ It’s raining. My face feels cleaner, but not my soul. Black hole as a heart, cancer spreads and devours whatever’s left.  _

 

_ I check again and the blinding light hits my eyes. Intending to give my last, I fly to the side and collide with a hard surface, then collapse to the ground. Mud and ripped clothes are the last thing on my mind but...I’m disarmed.  _

 

_ I hear them. _

 

_ A pack of assassins, monsters. Haunting. Red, flaming eyes and muttered growls. Somewhere in the back of my mind, voices from the past ring faintly but the memory is so clear. So vast. Inviting and welcoming me back. _

 

_ They reach me, ready to attack. And I want to go. To leave once and for all but I know that it’s not the way they want me. I’m a weapon. A puppet. A toy. My purpose is clear, unlike our future. ‘What future?’ _

 

_ My eyes fall shut and I bite my tongue, swallowing the blood and waiting for death. To my surprise, they never strike. I wait for a minute longer, expecting to get my brains blown out but it doesn’t happen.  _

 

_ I look up. A sea of stars washes over, settling in the serenity. Everything is still. _

 

_ But not for long.  _

 

_ They drop to their knees, gripping onto what’s left of me. They are crying for help. Begging for mercy. For an end. Digging through my skin, cutting the flesh and letting the thick, red liquid splash out.  _

 

_ It stings. It burns. It’s a horror story but it’s a part of me. They are me. _

 

_ The cuts are getting deeper, revealing the bones. I’m naked. Exposed.  _

 

_ ‘Do not go gentle into that ‘goodnight’.’ _

 

_ As the last hunch of breath leaves my mouth, excruciating, burning pain rushes through my brain and the place where the star was incised despite nothing being there anymore. I wail hysterically, forcing the old, shattered soul even further from the mind. _

 

_ Finally. _

  
  


I still had my arm on, clothes, too and no bruises. The surface I was tucked in was soft and warm unlike the so called bed I had before. 

 

Steve’s apartment. 

 

“Steve..”, a whimper came out, my throat was burning and I felt like vomiting. He came flying into the living room and kneeled next to me, taking my hands in his.

 

“Calm down. It’s ok…”

 

“No…”

 

“...you’re fine.”, he rubbed the back of my real palm with his thumb.

 

Tears were streaming down and it felt like my lungs were going to give out. It was stupid, bawling like that. People would think I would get use to it, having been experiencing PTSD for as long as I could remember.

 

“No…”, I shook my head. 

 

He wiped my cheek and gently pulled me to my feet. I headed towards the door immediately, wanting to exit the building but he yanked me back. Leading me over to the balcony, he opened the door and I could breathe again.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Shut up!”, he whisper yelled so it wouldn’t sound as threatening, “You can’t control it.”

 

_ How would you kn… _

 

“I know.”

 

The thought of being left alone again, alone with myself, was suffocating. I was tired of the darkness and the demons saying nothing was going to be okay over and over again. 

 

Memories of Hydra were abusing every reason I had left to live. I could feel it in my veins, my skin, the bones and all the parts of me they claimed their own. 

 

Sunlight shone through my closed lids. I exhaled. Morning wind made me shiver. The sound of birds chirping reached my ears.

 

My world was falling apart way too fast and moving forwards too slow. Every second was an hour, every day a year. I knew I wasn’t destined for hell. There wasn’t a place left for me there. I didn’t belong. Anywhere. Nothing was worse than what I had already had. 

 

A tuneless song teared through my ears this time.  _ What if the birds are crying? Screeching in pain? _

 

The breaking point was when I realised I no longer cared if there was a light at the end of the tunnel or not. I was just sick of the fucking tunnel.

 

A loud intake of breath pulled me back to reality. My eyes flew open and landed on a tall figure standing on my right, gazing into the distance.

 

People would always talk about music, writing or reading being their safe place. Their escape. Steve was my escape but...he was home, too. I needed him. But I didn't want him to save me. I wanted him to stand by my side as I save myself. 

 

And that’s what he was doing.

 

_______

  
  


**Steve’s POV**

  
  


\- “You’re being a child.”

 

“I don...No, I’m not!!!”, he gasped loudly.

 

“Then act like a grown up! I came back alive, didn’t I?”

 

“Look at you!!!!”

 

“How is that relevant?? I’ve been shot more times than I’d wish to count and no one gave a damn!” -

 

_ Silence. _

 

\- “No.”, he refused again after a few seconds.

 

“I don’t get it.”

 

“You don’t have to. Just leave me alone.”

 

“You’re bound to me-”

 

“No.”

 

“The only thing that could turn out bad is that he’ll hate you cause you’re fucKING STUBBORN!”

 

“Yeah? Good. Guess what? We already hate each other. Surprise!”, he spat in an ignoring and bored tone.

 

“Idiot.”

 

“Mhmm.”

 

“Coward.”

 

“Fuck off.” -

 

_ Not good _ .

 

\- “You should not have said that.”, whisper was barely audible.

 

“No. Look. I’m...I’m sorry. I didn’t m- NOOO!!” 

 

_ Crash! Hit!  _

 

“Stop that!” 

 

_ Bang!  _

 

I’m sorr- OW! How can you even…?!?” 

 

_ Crash! _

 

“OK! I take it back! I take it back! Please...”, he screeched. “Got it! I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry!” -

 

“Is this revenge?”, Bucky tapped his foot nervously, glaring up at the ceiling in the foyer.

 

“Nah. They’re over it.”

 

I was flipping through the paperwork Hill sent in. Fury thought it’d be a good idea to go over some of the old unsolved cases.  _ Why me though _ ? 

 

Okay, Thor went back to Asgard for a few days, Clint said he retired, Wanda has only moved in, Fury doesn’t trust Sam  _ that _ much, Nat is with a child, Bruce and Pepper flew to Berlin yesterday and Tony...well he’s Tony. 

 

Nevermind that, it’s not like we had people who were specialised for the job and had nothing better to do than to play Galaga. But we actually fucking did.

 

“I don’t know…”

 

“Man, you’re fine.”, I reassured him. Standing up from the desk, I walked over and grabbed him by the shoulder. “It’s not your fault anyway.” 

 

Our eyes locked and he hesitated. Just as he was about to say something…

 

“Sam is so excited to meet you!”, Nat bursted through the door enthusiastically, pushing grumpy Sam in front of her. “We thought we’d stop..by…”

 

She tugged Sam back by his sleeve as their eyes widened at the sight before them. 

 

Understandable. I would probably freak out as well, if I ran into a pair staring at each other intently in silence. Not to mention my hand still on the back of Bucky’s neck. 

 

“Hey!”, we stepped away from each other.

 

Sam turned to Nat with a sassy look that shot ‘You we’re saying??’

 

“Um, if this is a bad time-”

 

“No, of course not.”, I interrupted and went back to where I was sitting, “Come in.”

 

Sam closed the door behind them and leaned against the island, his arms crossed, a betrayed look appearing on his face. I chuckled which made him more dissatisfied.

 

Cleaning up the files, I glanced towards Nat and Bucky who were laughing at something Nat had said when she gently nudged his chin with her fist and joined Sam in the kitchen. 

 

Bucky’s cheeks had gone red but he didn’t hesitate to walk over. I was glad they were getting along. He needed it.

 

Nat and I stayed quiet just to witness Sam talk first. I knew Bucky wouldn’t say anything. Nobody expected him to. A minute or two later…

 

“So, um...Buchanan?”

 

Nat let out an ugly snort and I’m pretty sure I pissed myself from laughing for 2 minutes along with her and Bucky. Sam was utterly confused and offended. 

 

“Bucky.”, he corrected after composing himself.

 

Sam just shot him a glare.

 

“Ppffft!”, I pulled Bucky to the couch whilst still in hysterics “C’mon guys.”

 

The two of us sat close but right when I was about to put my hand around Bucky’s shoulder, because that wouldn’t have been suspicious at all, Nat flopped down between us, clapping her hands on both of our thighs playfully. 

 

Sam settled on the sofa to my left, seemingly way more relaxed and back to his normal salty self.

 

“Right, so…shall we play a game?”, she asked in a deep voice, wiggling her brows.

 

“Sure, Jigsaw. Uno?”

 

“Ooooh! I haven’t seen that one in years.”

 

I hurried to my room and came back in a minute with a stack of cards.

 

“What’s...Uno?”

 

Both Sam and Nat gasped like the oxygen was sucked out of their lungs and glared at Bucky. Then at me.

 

“Bruh...you gotta be kidding.”, Sam made grabby hands at me, “Gimme that.”

 

“It’s great.”, I whispered into Bucky’s ear as I sat down and handed Sam the box.

 

He looked terrified. 

 

“Chill, dude. I don’t bite. Imma teach you the fucking game. How can you not…???”, Bucky shrugged.

 

“Nevermind. Alright, c’mere.”

 

We huddled up in a circle on a scruffy carpet, waiting for Sam to start shuffling when he held out his hand towards Bucky, “Samuel Wilson.”

  
  


It wasn’t that difficult to master and Bucky actually won the first round. The proud victory look he sent me swept me off my feet. 

 

_ I might be overreacting but if this is what my life is going to be like from now on...there is nothing I wouldn’t give. _

 

We continued playing for an hour before settling back on the couch and started binge watching Game of Thrones. 

 

Again, Sam was a fanatic and was explaining everything to Bucky since second one. I would have cut him but Bucky didn’t seem to mind spoilers so I thought best to leave him be.

 

Nat was laughing at them hanging out all night and I smiled to myself all the way through because I might have as well been sent to heaven. 

 

My heart was swelling from happiness after hearing Bucky laugh so much. The wrinkles at the outer corners his pretty blue eyes and the nose scrunch he did at it… I wanted to cry.

 

It pained me to see him having nightmares and I couldn’t even imagine what they must’ve been like. I used to have them every night, too but I could bet mine weren’t as horrendous. The last time I woke up bawling was 5 months ago and I was happy with the progress I have made.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**_Saturday,_ ** **_September 19th, 2016_ **

  
  


_Screams. Sobs. Fast footsteps._ _Vomiting_. _Heavy breathing._

 

_ Not again. _

 

I got up and sneaked into my room, finding Bucky sitting by an open window. Yesterday I fell asleep in the living room so he must have taken the bed.

 

“No. Just leave me.”, he demanded when I approached him.

 

“Let me help you.”

 

“Why?”, he got up, starting to get angry, “What are you gonna do about it? Hold my hand and say it’s gonna be fine?”

 

_ Hmm...okay? _

 

“Oh, well...Sam works at the VA. I could-”

 

“I don’t need your pity.”

 

_ How can you say that? _

 

“Wha...it’s not pity! I understand. I get it. I’ve had nightmares too and yeah… They suck ass.”

 

“Then you must remember how open you were for questions like ‘How often does it happen? Is it always the same? What triggers you? Do others influence i-’”

 

“Yes, I know how it goes, Bucky.”, I stopped him, slightly annoyed when he started making a stupid voice. 

 

_ Why is he so distant? _ “Maybe I didn’t want to talk, no. But I would’ve appreciated an emotional support if it had been offered. I had no one, okay?”

 

If Bucky wanted to say something, I didn’t catch a breath to let him.

 

_ Shut up! Don’t push it! _

 

“You’re going through the same thing and I will put everything on the line for whatever you require. I wanna be able to provide you anything you need. Anything I couldn’t have! Because being alone is a million times worse than being offered help that you might not know how to deal with at the moment!”

 

My blood was boiling. It upset and worried me beyond reason to see him here but still slaughtered by such vivid memories. I yelled again and I knew he would eventually make a sarcastic comment, followed by a dramatic exit.

 

_ Control! Composure! _

 

He sat there, across the room, staring at the floor with an unsatisfied look. He might have felt defeated but definitely didn’t show it. That cocky jaw clench was there when he cleared his throat and slid next to me and out the door.

 

“Whatever.”

 

I followed him and let out a whimper when I saw him pulling out the bag he brought along the first night.

 

“Relax. I’m gonna hit the gym.”, the door closed.

 

_ Here we go again. _

 

I was in full on panic mode again. What if he wasn’t going to the gym but leaving instead because I pressured him again?

 

It was getting harder to breathe.  _ Focus. You‘re not a child.   _

 

My knees went weak. I felt stupid for being whiny and anxious all the time but it was Buck. He was upset and I could understand that but I had to stay alert in case something went out of hand.

 

_ Just calm the fuck down and take a chill pill. …  _ If he was where he claimed to be going, he was less than 5 minutes away from here. I seemed to be forgetting I owned the fucking place.

 

_______

  
  


I didn’t go looking for him because trusting a man who has been with you through thick and thin seemed like the right thing to do. 

 

Parking at the tower 2 hours later, my phone buzzed twice. 

  
  


_ ROMANOFF: Bruce has some mama stuff for you, please bring it home.  _

 

_ STEEB: I will. _

 

_ ROMANOFF: P.S. Try to stay low-key. Be nice. _

  
  


_ Swear to God,  _ the senses of a freaking pregnant woman. 

 

I headed to my quarters. It was quiet as usual, only music heard from Tony’s lab in the basement. Didn’t even wanna know. He worked when he was pissed...which happened to be 24/7 in the last few months. Aside from Bucky, we thought it might be…

 

“Pepper.”, I greeted the tall woman, blonde hair in a tight bun, dressed in a fine suit and black heels. She stomped from the basement. Furious. 

 

“Hello, Steve.”, nevertheless, she was always warm and polite towards everyone. “Rhodey and Sam are out, should be back in a few hours.”, she informed, flipping through a pile of files she carried around all the time, “Wanda and Vision are...not in the States...and Thor and Bruce are on the common floor.” 

 

“Thank you.” 

 

_ Not in the States? Others should know more about that. _

 

We separated at the second floor where she went for her office and I continued two more up. Everyone always used the elevators but I was in no rush and the lights inside would get you blind in a flash.

 

Before reaching the fourth floor, I stopped by at my own, right above, to check out if anything was out of place. 

 

The kitchen was untouched, bathroom crystal clean and my room still in one piece...so was the guest room. It has been set for almost three years now and the only person who knew about it was Pepper, who promised to keep it a secret, and Friday of course. Nothing gets past those two.

 

“Everything alright, mr. Rogers?”

 

“Fuck!”, I dived to the lacquered parquet, “Why...you scared me.”

 

“I’m sorry, sir.”, Friday apologized.

 

“It’s...yeah. Everything’s peachy.”

 

It might have sounded sarcastic but...yeah, okay. It was.

 

“Do you think mr. Barnes might be ready?”

 

…

 

“No.”

 

Of course not. He was barely getting by in Brooklyn and the place wasn’t the trickiest part. It was the people.

 

“Well, until he is.”

  
  


As I approached the sitting area on the floor below, laughs filled the air and two familiar figures appeared in front of me.

 

“Captain!”, Thor exclaimed in a surprised voice, raising his beer and running tow-

 

_ The fuck?!? _

 

“Oh, I’ve missed you! I have lots to tell you.”

 

He pulled me into a tight hug and picked me from the ground. Putting me back down, he patted me on the shoulder and handed me his beer. 

 

“New haircut?”

 

“I see you’ve copied my beard.”

 

_ Touché. _

 

“Hey, man.”, Bruce joined. “What’s up?”

 

“Hey.”

 

“Nat told me about Jam-”, he widened his eyes and pouted, then looked between Thor and myself when I smacked his arm.

 

“I won’t ask.”, Thor turned away and pretended not to listen. 

 

_ Oh, whatever. As long as Tony doesn’t find out. _

 

“Yes, Bucky is back. He’s been staying at my place for about a week now.”

 

Bruce’s eyes lit up.

 

“He’s...better.”  _ I hope so. _

 

Thor came running back like a child excited for presents on a Christmas morning.

 

“Who is….”, he turned to Bruce.

 

“...Bucky.”, Bruce whispered back.

 

“Bucky?”, and back to me. “A significant other?”

 

He wasn’t teasing just clueless and innocent, shooting sunshine out of his butt as always.

 

“N-no…?”

 

Bruce cleared his throat and sipped the beer.  _ C’mon, man.  _ Not everyone had to know.

 

“Could we meet him? We should. The more the merrier.”, just being his usual self.

 

“I-I’m not sure. I don’t think he’s ready for this...yet. He almost never gets out of the house and spends most time alone if I’m not around.”

 

He’s alone even when I’m there, though.

 

“Also, I’m not sure how Tony...”

 

“Sirs.”, Friday’s voice played from the speakers once again. “Hate to break the party but you were invited, or shall I put it, ordered to stop by the lab.”

 

“Ordered?”, Bruce questioned. Not even he was taking Stark’s bullshit anymore, apparently.

 

“Director Fury is down there and not in his best mood.”

 

Neither of us moved a muscle.

 

“I was advised to quote him if you should refus-”

 

“No need. We’re on our way, Fry.”, Bruce let out an annoyed sigh and leading us to the basement, he started venting in a hushed voice.

 

“Apparently, Tony got this new piece of tech a week ago and Friday proved it to be...Wakandan.”, he nudged me in the ribs. “Anyway, not only is it 10 times better than ‘ours’ but created by a 16 year old.”

  
  


\- “We don’t need that, Nic-” -

 

We entered the lab to find Tony and Fury making a scene.

 

“Bullshit. You’re in desperate need for some improvement. That thing…”, Fury pointed his finger at Tony’s chest, “...it ain’t gonna keep your ass alive for much longer and she could surely do something about it.”

 

Tony scoffed and threw his glasses to the other side of the room, knocking over his latest designs, when he saw us enter.

 

“Fuck that!!”, yelling in rage, he glared at me, “And you...”

 

“I didn’t say anything.”, my hands went up in defence.

 

“No, you didn’t.”, there was an ironic tone to it. 

 

Since he found out about Bucky and his parents, he has been pissy which is why his call on Thursday and relatively goofy attitude (which we have all dearly been missing) took me by surprise. 

 

“It turns out the prince of Wakanda has a younger sister.”

 

_ So? _

 

“Yo, what’s that?”, Bruce approached him, pointing at Tony’s thigh shield.

 

“What? Nano tech. Anyway, she built  _ this _ .”

 

He took Bruce’s hand and placed the tiniest, almost transparent object inside of his palm.

 

“What is it?”

 

“Tell it to open.”

 

“Huh?”

 

Tony rolled his eyes, “Not out loud, just…”

 

“WOAH! What the...Get it off!”, Bruce started waving his hands frantically as the cube captured his right arm and expanded to his entire body. “I didn’t, how was-”

 

“It was me.”, Thor admitted.

 

Fury stepped forward. “That is a suit. Like the Black Panther one but newly improved.” 

 

Different style, too. Grapefruit orange with peelings around the chest and hips area. 

 

“Originally designed for a woman.”

 

_ That explains a lot. _

 

“How do I get it off?”, Banner muttered.

 

“Right hand into a fist.”

 

The suit peeled itself off of Bruce and gathered into the cube Tony had given him earlier.

 

Thor was beaming. “Extraordinary.”

 

Tony tilted his head to the right and sighed irritably when I raised a hand, looking for a permission to speak.

 

“I have a question.”

 

“Of course you do.”, he shot daggers at me but I ignored it. Instead I asked for an explanation and a hell of a good excuse.

 

“If you got that a week ago...is there a reason why we weren’t filled in on it before?”

 

“Yeah, why wasn’t I filled in earlier, Steve?”, sarcasm gashed my hearing again and I didn’t know what scared me more. Him calling me by name or the mention of  _ the _ topic. “What does that mean to you?”

 

“I have every right to know. I’m a part of this team just as much as you are. Just as everyone else. Who put you in charge?!”

 

“Try me.”, he clenched his fists and threatened as we approached each other slowly.

 

“Stop it!”

 

Bruce pushed Tony backwards and Thor pulled on my arm. “Enough!”

 

“The entire city is made out of that and it could help us develop a new kind and improve our own stuff but this fucker right here…”, Fury raised his voice in dissatisfaction, pointing at Tony, “...doesn’t wanna hear about it.”

 

We backed away.

 

“Has nobody noticed Vision’s and that Maximoff girl’s absence? Where do you think they are right now?”

 

_ Oooh. _

 

“Oooh…”, Thor and Bruce caught up a second later.

 

“Yes, Vision is able to phase but that thing in his forehead is still a barrier that keeps holding him down. It won’t let him grow as a real person. It’s also highly dangerous in ways I would choose not to go deep into now. The kid, she can remove the stone, destroy it and make him ‘work’ as a normal human being.”

 

“Does Potts know about it?”

 

…

 

“She sent them there.”

 

“Oh, of course she did! Why is i-”

 

“Because you wouldn’t wanna do it!”

 

“That’s not wha-”

 

“It would damage your ego to admit you fucked up! Of course it would. You created him but you don’t give a damn! Don’t act like you’re not relieved, Stark.”, he scoffed. “Even if you agreed to it, you couldn’t make it work.”

 

_ Ego damaged. _

 

Silence fell upon the dark, cold room, every inch covered in various tools and all kinds of gadgets that no one except Tony knew how to use. 

 

Holograms were floating around, displaying analysis of his suits, old, rusty creations as well as the new ones, camera footage all around the tower halls and the whole of New York...

 

We were looking around the floor when Fury walked through one of the files hanging in the mid air and spoke again, “Hill will contact the princess and she will return with those two next week. You are going through with this. Uh uh-”, he prevented Stark from protesting again, “...that’s an order.”

 

Putting on a dramatic exit, he left the lab with a coat flip. The three of us followed suit, just as grumpy. Well, both of us. 

 

Thor...he was untouchable.  _ Whatever happened in Asgard, stays in Asgard. _

 

What  _ I  _ needed now was a good nap and quality time with Bucky.  _ He better be home or I might go nuts. _

 

_______

  
  


Unlocking the apartment 4 hours later, I found the green bag sitting in the same corner like before and a note plastered on the fridge that said ‘Not the best day. Taking a bath.’

 

_ Okay.  _ How was that supposed to make me feel less nervous? Well, at least I knew he was home.

  
  


I found myself pacing around in front of the bathroom, considering Nat’s suggestion from a few days ago. Tempted and restraining myself from bursting in. 

 

I couldn’t just get in and be like ‘Oh, yeah, you know...Natasha said we should shower together.’ How the fuck would have that sounded like?

 

But what if he was hurt? Since I have come home, I haven’t heard a slightest noise coming out of there and I was on needles. 

 

I thought about the worst but mentally slapped myself for even considering he would try something like that.

 

I have decided to wait for 10 more minutes for him to finish but then I would go ask if he was okay. He didn’t sleep again nor did he want to speak to me about it. Heck. Or at all, for that matter. 

 

I couldn’t close my eyes for a second either, overthinking the ways to help him get through all the crap that was still glued to him.

 

1, 2, 3….19, 20….58, 59, 1 minute. I was doing fine.

 

2 minutes. 2 and a half...

 

_ Fuck that. _

 

I walked over to the door and inhaled deeply before knocking three times. I couldn’t believe what I was doing.

 

“Yeah?”

 

The raspy voice called, a bit shaky.  _ Oh my God. _ My heart was racing and my palms were already soaked in sweat.  _ He’s fine. _

 

“Uhh…”, what should have I said, “...you okay in there? Can I help you?”

 

_ What? _

 

‘Can I help you?’ The last time I checked, I wasn’t a fucking waiter getting orders.  _ Nice one, Rogers. _ Very subtle. I was about to back away when... 

 

“Come in.”

 

I felt reluctant for a second but managed to bring my hand to the doorknob and open. 

 

Entering the room, I almost lost my balance when I saw...I blinked so hard, I was certain my lashes fell off. It sunk in pretty fast.

 

Bucky was laying in a bubble bath, his head leaned back, eyes closed but his dark hair still dry. He has been in here for almost an hour or even more, obviously giving his damn best to clear his mind. 

 

His muscular arms were hanging over the edges and strong pecs visible above the water, also fairly obvious what must have been beneath.

 

The line where the metal connected with the flesh was pitying to say the least. Scarred tissue, he must have clawed at, spread just about the whole of the left peck and could easily be mistaken for bloodsoaked stretch marks.

 

On his left shoulder...a star bold in blood, metal glistening blindingly. There was no point in fearing it now, the loathsome stamp labeling him a beast shook off the significance the moment his brain detected a glitch in being someone’s murder puppet.

 

He mustn't have noticed I came in because he remained laying in that position for a few moments before I cleared my throat. 

 

Immediately after but slugglishly, he lifted his head and trailed his gaze up and down my body at least twice. I felt naked. 

 

_ Am I? _ I quickly looked down as subtle as possible to check and shifted awkwardly. I was dressed, thank God.

 

Our eyes locked and I wanted to catch on fire. I was afraid if I hadn’t been able to contain myself, I would not hold back from showing off my excitement. 

 

I remembered I had to say something.

 

“So, um…”, I hesitated when he tilted his head a little to the right, biting his lower lip and narrowing his eyes at me. 

 

_ Fuck. _ I needed a cold shower.

 

“Need help with anything?”

 

He didn’t reply, just continued analyzing my face. It was clear that he was uncomfortable but so was I.  _ Who does he think he is, looking like that?? _

 

“Um, I haven’t washed my hair yet. The arm isn’t very compliant today...?”, he shrugged anxiously and lowered both of his arms into the water. 

 

My gaze lingered for a second too long before I walked round the bath and kneeled behind him. I opened the tap and let the water wet his hair to distract myself.

 

_ What the hell am I doing? _ Washing my best friends hair? Best friend who I was secretly in love with. To be fair, it wasn’t really that hush-hush anymore but at least he wasn’t aware.

 

I hadn’t even realised I accidentally let water run all over his face but definitely regretted it when he shook his head and splashed my shirt.

 

“Oh, my God!”, he chuckled, “I’m so sorry…”

 

“No, it’s ok. Sit down.”, I pushed him by the shoulder when he attempted to stand (God knows that would’ve been a disaster), pulled the soaking T-shirt over my head and tossed it across the floor. 

 

He blushed.  _ Take that. _ At least I still had my pants on. It shouldn’t have been a big deal. We have seen each other shirtless more times than I could count.

 

I poured some shampoo onto my palms and rubbed them together. He relaxed when I ran my fingers through his hair and started massaging his scalp. I was trying to be gentle and do at least one thing right. 

 

Leaning his head backwards with pleasure, he moaned almost soundlessly. My heart smiled at the thought of making him happy but certain parts of my anatomy informed me that they were interested in catching up on some other specific activities.

 

The water started running again and I washed the raven black hair with my left hand. He closed his eyes and leaned further into my touch. I didn’t remember seeing him from this angle. I liked it. It wasn’t supposed to be kink..

 

_ Shit. _

 

I nearly drowned him again.  _ Focus for fucks sake. _

 

My hand rubbed the back of his neck to wash off the shampoo and he moaned again. I was getting really hard. This was a bad idea. I should have lef-

 

“Can I kiss you?”

 

...

 

_ I’m dreaming again. _

 

I was definitely out. I couldn’t believe my ears.  _ Yes! Please! I thought you’d never ask. _ I couldn’t say that. 

 

My hands came to a halt and fingers went numb. I just stared and blinked directly ahead.

 

“Can I kiss you?”, he repeated softly, in a whisper and less confident this time.

 

Okay, it was definitely real. He actually asked to kiss me.  _ On the lips or...? _

 

“Mhmm.”, I only managed to mumble in approval because nothing else came out when I opened my mouth to speak. 

 

_ Is this weird? Should I be doing this? No time to overthink…!!! _

 

Bucky threw his head backwards and tilted it to the right, staring at my lips and waiting for me to do the same. 

 

_ Alright. _

 

Giving in, I leaned in enough for our noses to touch. As our eyes met, he inched closer, pursing his lips and slowly capturing my lower one. My eyes fell shut and I melted completely, sinking lower onto the tiled floor. 

 

I kissed back when he pulled away. It was short and innocent but...  _ Perfect _ . He made a small smooch sound and smiled. 

 

“Thanks...” He purred as he looked away, his cheeks red, “...for um, help.”

 

That was my cue to leave. I patted his shoulder awkwardly and stood. Throwing my shirt to the laundry basket, I exited the bathroom. 

 

_ What just happened? _

 


	4. Chapter 4

**_Sunday,_ ** **_September 20th, 2016_ **

 

**Bucky’s POV**

  
  


_ My eyes are open but robbed of light, vision blurry. I can’t see. My ears are clogged yet the shrieks and squeals keep ringing louder. My mouth is wide agape but there is no air left to inhale.  _

 

_ Snap out of it! Wake- _

 

“Rise and shine sleepy heads!!”, the doors slammed.

 

_ Thump!  _

 

_ Crash! _

 

“Ow...damn.”, I groaned as I picked myself from the ground, wrapped in sheets and tripped over again. A glass was shattered next to me and water spilled all over the coffee table.

 

“Oh, what the hell?!”, Natasha walked over as fast as she could with that baby bump. “Did you have a fight? I told him not to be a d-”

 

“What? No.”

 

She stopped cleaning and stood up straight. “Why aren’t you in the bedroom then?”

 

“What?? Why would I…?”

 

Her eyebrows rose and I flipped her off. “We’re not together.” 

 

That was not what I said last night. I would have an excuse if I had drunk but I have never been more sober and woke. And there I was, thinking he would be disgusted and run away.

 

“Of course not.”, she wiggled her brows and successfully dodged the pillow I threw at her face.

 

_ Does she know something?? _

 

Clearing her throat, she tiptoed over to the bedroom and peeked inside.

 

“He’s on the run.”, I said, folding the sheets.

 

“Right then.”, she clapped her hands, “We’re going shopping by ourselves. C’mon, I’ve got everything here so we can leave now.”

 

I checked the clock. “It’s 8.16 in the morning. Where the hell would you go shopping now?”

 

“Macy’s.”

 

“It doesn’t open until 10.” 

 

“Are you kidding? You’re not driving and neither am I.”

 

_ You got that right. _

 

“Ok? We’re getting a taxi then?”

 

“I wanna walk.”, she pouted when I frowned and looked at her in horror at the same time, “C’mon, some fresh air could do you good and we’ll arrive just in time.”

 

“Natasha, that’s an hour and a half by foot and I haven’t washed or eaten yet. You literally just gathered me up five seconds ago. Plus...”, I waved my arm vigorously at her body.

 

“I’ll be fine. Stop whining. Imma make you breakfast while you’re getting ready.”, she grinned and turned away, grabbing a pan.

 

_ I can’t with this. I yield. _

 

“Okay.”

 

I plugged my phone in to charge while I wash up and played some music. 

 

As I came out of the shower, I tied a towel around my waist and combed my hair. My eyes trailed over the red scar tissue on the left shoulder in the mirror when Steve barged into the bathroom. My towel nearly dropped to the floor.

 

“Oh, sorry!”, his face was red, sweat dripping down his forehead, grey shirt wet on the chest area and under armpits. “Hi!”

 

“Hey!”

 

He apologized but moved closer, beaming. I smiled just as wide, looking into his eyes, mirroring him. The back of our hands touched just when Natasha peeked through and made us both turn to face her. 

 

“Lovebirds? Sorry to intrude but um...your eggs are fried?”, she motioned with her head and smiled sourly before leaving.

 

Yes. We were that obvious.

 

Steve looked at me again with a big grin. I returned it, taking my phone and leaving the bathroom before my senses gave out.

 

_ Aren’t you awkward with the...‘lovebirds’?? _

 

“Thanks.”, I stuffed the eggs and bread into my mouth before grabbing whatever I needed and headed out after Natasha.

 

“We’re leaving!”

 

“Have fun!”, he called back from the bathroom and I caught the last glimpse of him as I closed the door.

  
  


Natasha was walking next to me, swinging her purple bag back and forth.

 

“What’s wrong with you?”

 

“Hmhmhmhm!!

 

_ What the hell? _

 

“Oh, my God! I’m loving this!”, she was laughing hysterically and flapping her hand at my left arm.

 

_ Hormones. _

 

I was automatically inching away, “Stop it! You’re lucky I can’t feel that.”

 

_ Gasp. _

 

“Oh!!! I’m sorry.”, she was terrified for a second but when I gave her a wink, she took me under the arm and smiled again.

 

“So...nothing?”

  
  


_ I wanted you near to kill my fears, to help me leave my blues behind. _

  
  


The pure fact that Steve has indulged my, now that I have contemplated, inappropriate request had already left my brain combusting. But was the feeling mutual? The more I thought about it all, the more positive I have gotten because nobody looked at their platonic friend like that. 

 

I could see his affection everywhere, the gentle curve of the rare smile he would safe just for me, in the way he flushed when I would say something particularly suggestive…because I would, now more often than before, thanks to Sam’s aggravating. 

 

I didn’t say anything for a while but I saw her eyeing me satisfyingly and almost lost a rib.

 

“Ow! God, woman.”

 

“You know he’d turn against government again or jump under the train for you?”

  
  


_ The coldest January I can remember. On the top of a mountain, looking down on the snowy slope with no end, the two of us stand with three more men.  _

 

_ Having been trying to navigate the Hydra train for hours, we are swept off as it speeds along the rails, swashing the white dust into the cruel wind. _

 

_ One by one, we slide off a zip wire, exposing our faces to the icy air for it to sear our already crude skin. Our feet on the firm ground again, the three of us run the roof of the racing train till we find a way to enter. _

 

_ Inside, dead silence. No sign of Zola. We prowl through the carriages for a couple of minutes but are suddenly split and ambushed by a team of Hydra soldiers.  _

 

_ I take on one. Two. Three are down. _

 

_ “Bucky, no!!” _

 

_ All at once, the side of the train is blown out and I’m sent flying out to hang by the damaged rail for my dear life. _

 

_ Steve itching closer and the following cries of turmoil are the last of what I feel before steel snapping between my loose grip, sending me falling down the steep cliff, deeper and deeper into nothingness.  _

 

_ I don’t remember losing my voice nor the feeling of the landing. _

  
  


“He’d fight the government and jump in front of a train for fun.”

  
  


_ Would you have done it if I hadn’t driven you to madness? _

  
  


“Yeah, I know.”, she giggled away as she casted me a look and I shrug, “Nothing? Mhm...I’ll give you two days.”

 

_ Oh, joy. _

  
  


(3 hours time skip)

 

“I’m thinking of going blonde.”

 

_ Ha? _

 

My legs were getting numb. We have made two rounds around the 2nd and 3rd floor by 12.30 and had coffee. Twice.

 

Despite the baby she carried inside of her and all the things she got, Natasha was still light on her feet like we had just gotten here. I convinced her to take a tram to here because we would have died.

 

“Steve wouldn’t like it but he’s too nice to say it and Sam wouldn’t give a shit. What do you think?”, as always she only asked for my opinion since the other two gentlemen didn’t really care.

 

“I don’t know. I’d have to see it.”, I admitted honestly, “But if I was able to slay anything, I wouldn’t worry that much.”

 

She nudged my arm, “You’re too sweet.”

 

“Everything alright?”, question popped up when I saw Natasha holding her belly with one hand and breathing heavily.

 

“Oh, I’m great.”, it was genuine but I didn’t want to risk.

 

“We should sit down.” I led her to the bench a few feet away.

 

We both carried bags full of labeled clothes and brands I have never even heard of, two pairs of heels she only might wear once in 2 years and a birthday present for Sam. I could have asked but to be honest, I concluded it was for the best not to interfere. 

 

“Imma hit the bathroom and then we’re gonna get lunch.”

 

“Sure.”

 

“You can either sit here and wait for 30 minutes or walk around. This is gonna take while.”, she handed me her bags and disappeared round the corner.

 

People were rushing around, dragging their bags and yelling after the children. 

 

A little girl in a yellow princess dress appeared out of nowhere, looking up at me like I was a god. I didn’t move in case she was scared away except from turning the corners of my mouth upwards. She was obviously encouraged enough to slowly reach to my metal hand and trailed her fingers along mine, glaring in awe.

 

“Jen!!”, a short, young looking boy, who I assumed was her older brother, came running and dragged her away by the hand. He wore a frightened look, “Leave that man alone. You can’t just come up to people like that.” 

 

It wasn’t her fault. In fact, she hasn’t done anything at all. Nothing wrong with a little curiosity. I would have been too.

  
  


_ There’s highs and lows. _

  
  


The smell of fruit pies from the bakery across the hallway snapped me from my thoughts, reminding me we ran out of plums so I got up and strolled lazily to the market. Leaving the bags at the cash register, I filled paper ones with plums, bananas and strawberries.

 

Three boys in the line in front of me snickered when they noticed the “robot part”. Whispers were loud enough and not pretty but I pretended not to have heard any of them. Before leaving they made weird faces and pointed at me.

 

“Freak!”, the skinniest one shouted through laughs, followed by the two other.

  
  


_ Mostly lows.  _

 

_ Bloody skin chunks like puzzle pieces forming a burning shape of a communism symbol. Adding fuel to the newly but obviously not long suffocated sensation of self-consciousness. _

  
  


I felt my neck heating up, nerves in the arm tensing and tingling uncomfortably. It has been happening lately. It was getting rusty and out of function. 

 

Clenching my jaw too hard, I went deaf for a second when I heard a squeaky but warm voice, “Idiots.”

 

An old lady standing behind me in the line shot them a dirty look. She was carrying a bag of tootsie pops and some other chocolate candies I assumed were for her grandchildren. 

 

I was gripping onto the arm and running my nails alongs the cuts when she took it with both of her weak, wrinkly hands and placed it against her chest. I couldn't feel her touch or the warmth of her skin but the gesture knocked me off my feet. She looked right at me and smiled sympathetically. 

 

Her palm went up to my left cheek, feeling soft against the stubble. “Never be ashamed of a scar, son. It only means you were stronger than whatever tried to harm you.”, she was beaming. “You are still here. This handsome…?”

 

Those words took me back. She reminded me so much of Steve’s mom. I considered her my own. She was an inspiring, encouraging woman everyone should look up to. No wonder I was head over heels for her son.

 

I felt myself tearing up, seeing her glassy eyes behind green round glasses. My lips turned into a huge grin and I thanked her, still a bit embarrassed.

  
  


As I walked out, I noticed Natasha sitting on the same bench, talking to some kid. Tall, slim but well built, brown curly hair, in sports clothes. Worry was plastered over both of their faces.

 

They stood when I slowly approached.

 

“Where have you been??”

 

“I was just…”, I held the bag of fruit in front of her, “...yeah.”

 

“Well, this is Peter.”, she introduced the boy.

 

“Peter Parker, sir.”, he held out his hand and I took it, his posture almost soldier like, “Honour to meet you.”

 

_ Oh... _

 

“Um, thank you. Bu-”

 

“Yes, I know, sir. Mr. Barnes Winter soldier, sir.”

 

He was still shaking my hand and I found myself blinking while Natasha pressed her lips into a straight line, trying not to laugh.  _ Is he...kidding? _

 

“Bucky.”, I corrected.

 

“Oh, yes. Sorry!”, he cleared his throat, “Mr. Bucky Barnes Winter soldier, sir.”

 

_ What the… _

 

“No. Just...just Bucky. You’re good, kid.”, I patted him on the shoulder.

 

“Oh, okay! By the way…”, a smile grew on his face as he motioned to my arm, mouthing ‘awesome’ inaudibly.

 

I was glad he wasn’t intimidated and actually kinda surprised he knew who I was. Was he an...Avenger or just someone’s kid? Did Steve talk about me?

 

“Anyways...I have to go. We’re meeting Wanda in 10.”

 

_ We? Who’s Wanda? _

 

“Ned should be around here...somewhere…”, he looked around, pointing behind Natasha and shrugging “...there. Well, yeah.”

 

I turned to see another boy stuffing boxes of cupcakes into his backpack.

 

“I’ll see you at the...um...the tower in five days then.”, he saluted and went running off to his friend, pulling him away from the chips aisle.

 

“Stark’s ‘intern’.”

 

_ Of course.  _ I shuddered.

 

“You okay?”, she asked, following out of the mall.

 

“Always.”, I lied, helping her onto the tram outside.

 

“You?”

 

After staring ahead for 5 seconds as we started moving, she twitched. “Yeah, yeah.”

 

She lied too. Something was off.

  
  


After lunch and a well deserved rest in Central park, on the way home, Natasha kept sending me concerned looks but I decided not to mention it so she hasn’t asked any further questions.

 

We stopped at Steve’s apartment. She made grabby hands towards the bags I was carrying the whole way. I knew she could take her part but I was trying to be a gentleman, not having had a chance in a long time. She found it endearing so it was a win-win.

 

“You ain’t carrying all that up the stairs.”, I sounded disgusted which was not an intention but there was no way in hell I would let a pregnant woman drag 100lb worth of food and clothing. 

 

As if having to walk up to the 5th floor wasn’t enough.  _ Where’s the fucking elevator when you need one? _

 

“I’ll be fine, it’s just a few…”, I pushed past her and ran. She laughed loudly and followed behind.

 

Five steps up and I just about dived face first, reaching for the bag I had been holding in the prosthetic arm like a baby. I was lucky it didn’t have the habit to move when I had managed to get it in a certain position.

 

Entering their apartment, I placed the bags on the kitchen counter, when she pulled me in a hug and placed her red lips on my cheek.

 

“We ought to do this again sometime. I had fun.”

 

“You bet.”, I agreed and made my way back down the hall.

  
  


The anxious feeling spread in my gut, knowing I had to face Steve again.  _ Should I explain myself? _

 

He must have freaked out. But...he did oblige and did what I asked. And it was going well today morning before we were interrupted but we would be alone now, no one to bother us. 

 

Oh, how wrong was I…

 

As I attempted to push the key in and turn it over, I discovered the door was already unlocked. I nudged it open and was met with the most unexpected view.

 

Steve’s shield was set by the entrance, accompanied by a prototype jet-pack with a pair of huge mechanical wings. On the floor by the sofa lay two wrist-machine guns, or at least I presumed that was it, and two pairs of combat boots.

 

All the way in the back, pushed between Steve’s room and the bathroom, was the coffee table, occupied with more equipment, weapons and ammunition. 

 

Where it usually stood were now sitting a bald, black man, shirtless but with an enormous bandage across his chest instead, groaning into a stack of papers and with his back facing me, a _blond_ _little dude in a dirty, old shirt, looking half alive, covered in blood_ and the rest of the files. 

 

Except he wasn't little nor fragile anymore. Something felt heavier in my chest at the thought.

 

They couldn’t have heard me come in because they didn’t move muscle. 

 

“Um, hi.”

 

Both startled, Steve turned over, relief plastered across his face as soon as we locked eyes and Sam sat upright, pushing some weird goggles off of his forehead. 

 

“Hey! Wher-”

 

“Where the fuck were you two?”, Sam interrupted irritably, “What time is it?”

 

He damn well knew the answer, just wanted to make sure I did too so I glanced nonchalantly at the clock behind me. “5pm?”

 

“5? 5pm!”, he roared, his voice cracking.

 

“Sam!”, Steve yelled back, “It’s okay. How was your day?”

 

He then turned back to me and I walked over, making myself comfortable on the sofa next to him, trying to ignore Sam’s grumbling.

 

“Yeah, it was cool. We met Stark’s intern in Macy’s.”

 

_ Clash! Wince! _

 

“Wilson, calm your tits. Spare us the bullshit.”, I moaned in complaint when he fell backwards, colliding with the rug flooring.

 

He laughed in a high pitched tone, “You don’t get it. He is a problem, that kid.”

 

“He isn’t.”

 

“Cap doesn’t either.”, he waved his hand at Steve. “You gotta spend time with the bitch to understand and relate to my nightmares.”

 

Now, I was at least 12% sure they couldn’t have been worse than mine.

 

“Whatever. So these are the wings, huh?”, I pointed at the suit on the right.

 

“You bet, baby.”

 

“What the hell even happened?”, my arms motioned towards both of them, suddenly feeling out of breath.

 

The two men exchanged sceptical looks. Sam went back to compulsive paperwork sorting, gulping hard. 

 

Supporting himself by placing his arms behind his back, Steve explained.

 

“We were called in for an emergency mission. Fury had us fly to Iceland with 100 more men in 10 quinjets and a helicarrier. We got ambushed and…”, he let out a long sigh and shrugged, throwing his arms up, “...obviously, it didn’t go as planned. We try to save as many people as we can. And sometimes...it doesn’t mean everybody. The team’s a little unnerved. I’d rather not tire you with details.”

 

“No, I can list-”

 

“We are back and safe now. Exhausted, but fine. I promise.”, his hand rested on my knee, giving it a reassuring squeeze. 

 

Natasha knew.

 

“Natasha seemed concerned but she didn’t wanna say anything so I didn…”

 

“She couldn’t have heard. That was  _ exactly  _ what we were trying to avoid.”, Sam’s temper was getting out of hand. He jumped up, whimpering again whilst putting pressure to his chest.

 

_ Peter. _

 

…

 

“Who the fuck told him??”

 

It was crystal clear these two were on needles and quite upset with each other. “For the love of God, give it a rest. He’s 15.”

 

“We..Yeah! Damn right he is!”

 

Desperate to defuse the the tension, I walked over to the coffee table. Sniggering, I reached for a smaller, less dangerous looking gadget reminding me of a mini rocket, “And what’s that? A toy bird?”

 

“C’mon man.”, Sam groaned, tilting his head to the side. “It’s a drone. A lot more vicious than it appears.”

 

_ Yeah, right.  _ I was examining the object, turning it over in my hands when it suddenly vibrated and flew up, levitating in front of my face. “Holy sh-”

 

Sam’s face was low but his eyes were on me, almost flirtatious like. There was a gauntlet on his left forearm with a miniature touchpad he was typing on. 

 

Must have been how he controlled the bird. He moved his fingers once again, making the drone elevate and circle over my head.

 

Meanwhile, Steve was still sitting on the same spot with an elbow propped on his knee to support his face. He was looking back at us, either annoyed or tired. Probably both. His eyes were distant, unfocused but he still flashed me that pretty smile when he saw me looking.

 

Just when I was to return it, something hard collided into the side of my head and by the sound of Sam’s snorting, it must have been that fucking flyin-

 

“Redwing!”

 

_ Who? _

 

“How dare you?”, he scolded the drone but looked like he was gonna lose it any second.

 

“That thing has a name?”, I looked between him and Steve, who was shaking his head with eyes closed.

 

“Of course he has a name!”

 

“Well, Redwig could’ve cost you my eye!”

 

His brows connected due to my deliberate mispronunciation and-

 

_ Thunk!  _

 

“Okay…”   _ Thunk! Thunk! _

 

“Redwing. Stop, you’re being rude.”, Sam’s fingers worked over the pad.

 

I felt the veins in my neck tense at every contact with that thing. “Cut it out.”

 

_ Thunk! _

 

Steve’s and mine exasperated whines fused and gave Sam the giggles.

 

“Does that tickle you?”, this was getting out of line. How simple was it? What was he even upset with Parker for??

 

He tried desperately to stay composed.   _ Thunk!   _ “I’m so sorry. I have no idea what’s gotten into him.”

 

“Yeah? I’ve got an idea. Well, I’m leaving now.”, I turned away and strode in the direction of the bathroom with a grim expression.

 

_ Thunk! _

 

And back again…”You sON OF A BI-”

 

“TIME OUT!”, Steve roared, shooting daggers at both of us, “Someone’s forgotten what we have gone through today very quickly.”

 

Redwing dropped to the cushions.

 

“Sit down, we have to get this over with.”, he demanded and Sam obeyed, hopefully feeling like a dick.

 

I disappeared into the bathroom.

 

_______

  
  


By the time both Steve and I have taken a shower, Sam was gone and the living room was back to looking as usual. A cloudy night sky set the dim atmosphere inside, resulting in having at least 6 candles lighted in the kitchen.

 

_ Shit. _

 

This time, alone at last, we got a chance to talk it out. I would have been shaking all over if I had zero amount of self-control, which however has been dropping drastically again since I had moved in.

 

Steve withdrew to the bedroom, leaving the door open and his bedside lamp on. The gleam of fading light shimmered invitingly.

 

From the distance of nine feet away from the bedroom, I could see his reflection in the mirror, opposite to the door, on the other side of the room. 

 

He was settled on the bed, his knees bent, face buried in his hands. Unmistakably shaken to the core.

 

“Steve?”, the name felt bittersweet on my tongue. 

 

He looked up, hinting heavily at the feeling of disorientation and daze. “Yeah?”

 

“Wanna talk about it?”, a little indecisive, I proposed.

 

Big, soft palms ran around his eyes, rubbing his temples, “No, thanks. I’d rather not.”

 

Scarcely making out a word he said, I nodded at it.

 

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?”, he offered back, with the strange, deceptive calmness.

 

“Yeah, fine.”

 

“I know he can be a bit pushy sometimes and-”

 

“Sorry?”  _ Who? _

 

“Sam.”

 

“Oh! No, it’s not...no. That’s long forgotten. I got my revenge anyway.”, I waved my hand at him.

 

“What is it th..c’mere. I don’t bite.”

 

_ Ok...don’t panic. Think war. Think death! _

 

My  legs, moving ever so slowly, led me from the door and I sat beside him, at a safe distance but close enough in order not to seem suspicious.

 

_ You can do this! _

 

“Well, it’s about, um…”, my real hand pulled onto the left sleeve of the olive green shirt, chickening out at the last second, “...this horrid shit here.”

 

“Oh.”, his fingers caressed the metal joints gently from the wrist to the bicep where they halted. The look he wore was the one of distress and horror, the one that has been present far too long for anyone’s liking.

 

At the time of the hiding, my world revolved around the prosthetic limb, a bad omen I was prescripted the moment I had failed to grab onto Steve’s hand. 

 

When I crossed the threshold of this very apartment, all of the insecurity vanished. There was no sign of self-consciousness and the motive was the man who sat by my side.

 

Today at the mall was the first time my awareness rose again, having had various responses thrown at my face. 

 

What I was taken aback by was the negative feedback I had forgotten about. Less than a week and I was already adapted to acceptance and support, showered in a fearless sense of affection. No longer feeling like a misfit.

 

“Doesn’t it scare you?”

  
  


_ Don’t identify with the devil. Don’t relate to the fear. Why turn away from the ones that cause you pain when you can face them and smile the brightest of the smiles... _

  
  


“No, it doesn’t scare me.”

 

_ It should. _

 

“Even after what happened the last time I-”

 

His hand gripped the metal one, interlacing our fingers. “It’s a part of you. As a nightmare from the past it doesn’t define you, that’s not who you are but it’s here. And there’s not one bit of your being I do not accept.”

  
  


_ I love you, to- _

  
  


Instinctively, my real palm encircled our linked hands, the feeling of his skin against mine tingling, provoking the goosebumps.

 

“Actually, it’s broken.”, I pulled away.

 

He blinked at me emotionlessly.

 

I gripped my hair tightly, “Yeah. It’s stopped responding to orders and when I’d support it with the right one, the nerves in the shoulder pulsate and sting like crazy.”

 

“Did  _ that  _ hurt?”,  _ that  _ being our intertwined fingers. “Does it hurt now?”

 

I huffed. “I didn’t feel…”, the wrist jerked, hard material along the whole of the limb moved, imitating Domino tiles, sending sparks out in between the narrow rifts, “I can’t feel with my palm. But yes, it hinders in general.”

 

Steve sat paralyzed for about good two minutes, alarming me as his head snapped in my direction. Electric eyes lit up as if he was struck with the most brilliant scheme.

 

“You know what?”

 

I shook my head anxiously.

 

“I’ve got it covered. We have people in the lab. Tony knows a guy. I’m pretty sure we could pull some strings.”

 

“Tony as-as in Tony...Stark?”

 

Either my panting or fearful look must have given me away. Sensing an anxiety attack creeping on, Steve put slight pressure to the small of my back and tugged the corners of his mouth up to mesmerize me completely.

 

Well, that did it.

 

“Khm…”, he looked away as if he had come to his senses and clapped where his hand had rested. “I’ll take care of it, buddy.”

 

_ Buddy... _

 

“We should go rest. Tomorrow’s another big day for you.”

 

I was encountering the Hawk guy. Natasha was bummed out she couldn’t join which kind of ruined my mood too. They were like siblings and she would have wanted to see him after two months of being separate. 

 

“I’m leaving before 7 but I’ll see you after work.”

 

I stood, “Yeah. Ok.”

 

_ That went perfect.  _ Of course I needed the arm and it was somewhat bearable. The least of a problem. The actual handicap was that bloody star. A cage, an inescapable prison I have been dragging along.

 

“Night.”

  
  


_ God, I wish I could sleep. Without the company of nightmares clawing at the back of my head. The stories I wish I could forget. _

 

_ “Wipe him and start over.” _

  
  


It didn’t matter. The memories would resurface all the same.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**_Monday,_ ** **_September 21st, 2016_ **

  
  


“Didn’t you say...We just passed the gym.”, I turned backwards in the front seat of a matte black G-wagon to peek through the back window.

 

“Yeah, I know.”, Sam didn’t break his eyes away from the road. “There’s another one, closer to Barton’s place.”

 

We were driving to pick up Clint and hang out for the day but no one except Sam had any clue where we were going. Both him and I were still pouty about yesterday but I mostly got it covered.

 

“What kinda work does Steve have again?”

 

They did say their schedule is fucked up but I couldn’t help but find it weird they worked in shifts. 

 

He hesitated, “I um...I don’t know. Most of the time we don’t have insight in others’ cases. Especially personal.”

 

“Personal?”, I threw him a quizzical look but he avoided it and we drove in silence for the next 25 minutes.

  
  


_ Sound the bugle now, play it just for me _

_ As the seasons change, remember how I used to be… _

  
  


Sam parked across from the gym. The building was huge, not that we would have expected anything smaller in New York, and the equipment was visible through four high windows. The room was packed.

 

As we were getting closer, Sam leaned towards me, pointing through the glass door, “See that blond dwarf flirting with the stud he’s got nothin’ on, yeah? That’s h-”

 

_ Screech! _

 

My soul just about vacated my body when the deafening high pitched scream wrecked my ear drums. I whirled around and thank God there was a wall behind because my knees went weak.

 

Sam was in an almost kneeling position, clinging onto a street lamp, face smushed against the cold metal and his ass out.

 

People passing by were giggling hysterically, whispering and pointing at the poor man. He barely managed to stand up straight whilst making a painful expression. 

 

I offered him a hand, in tears at this point, but he smacked it away.

 

“Hey, Mr. Falcon!”, a 16 year old girl called teasingly, observing from the park nearby, making the rest of her group snigger, “I could help you with that.”

 

_ Retreat! Retreat! _

 

“Oh...my God!”

 

I began pushing him through the door but he yanked me back and cried, desperate to explain himself. “I sprained my freakin’ ankle! There…”, he pointed at the pavement, “The rock.”

 

I snorted, “Ok, pal. Get moving.”

 

“I swear, it was right there.”

 

“Sure it was-”

 

“What the fuck happened? Why you limpin’?”, the blond guy, a bit shorter than Sam, approached us, looking at him mockingly. 

 

He wore a clean grey fitness tank top and Adidas sweatpants, attempting to put on a purple bandana. He could have been in his early forties judging by the more intense wrinkles on his face.

 

Sam waved his hand as to say to drop it but the guy nodded at me, asking for an explanation. “Was that a booty call?”

 

I couldn’t suppress the laughs again so I spat loudly, throwing my head back, “He tripped over himself!”

 

“There was a huge ass rock! I told you!”

 

“N-no, there wasn’t!”

 

Our roaring quieted down when Sam smacked me on the back of the head, looking angry. The blond, well built dude turned to me. 

 

“Now, I can see what all the fuss is about.”, he gave me a one up and extended his arm, “Clint Barton.”

 

“Buck-”

 

_ Why would nobody let me introduce myself properly? _

 

“Barnes indeed. They weren’t messing around.”, he checked me out again, this time circling. I moved along.

 

_ I’m sorry? What’s happening?? _

 

“Man, I’ve heard s…”

 

I followed his frowning gaze behind me, catching Sam shaking his head while doing a throat cutting gesture at him and stopping immediately when he noticed me looking.

 

“...absolutely nothing about you.”, Clint finished, closing his eyes and grinning, showing off his pearly white teeth.

 

I turned to the dark skinned man, flipping him off, earning a shrug. “Don’t you dare blame this on me. Widow has never been so bored in her fucking life.”

 

There was nothing wrong with her informing their friends of me, as long as it was all the best. 

 

My brows connected into one and lips formed a straight line when I remembered they had already known the worst anyway.

 

“Hit the shower and hurry the fuck up!”, Sam sat on a stool, wincing as he massaged his right foot. 

 

“Lemme just grab my bag.”, with that, Clint walked off to the back of the room.

 

“Shut up.”

 

“I didn’t say anything.”, I defended myself smugly, leaning against the wall next to Sam. “By the way, don’t paparazzi or fans ever follow you around anymore, make you sign stuff, ask for pictures? You’re at least a little famous, I know that.”

 

He huffed. “Not as much anymore. Someone occasionally asks for a selfie or something but nah. Our last press was a year and a half ago, after Sokovia..?, he checked if I was following and when I nodded, he went on, “Yeah, so. We’ve been trying to stay on the low since then.”

 

“Huh…”

 

“While they were at it, though, my fine ass was looking for you.”, he poked me in the chest.

 

_ Wait. They were- _

 

“Didn’t bother to wash up?”, Sam stood suddenly, fixing his eyes past me.

 

Clint appeared on my right with a gym bag hanging off his shoulder, winking back at him, “I did. So.”, he clapped me on the back and, turning me around, started to walk back to the car. 

 

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

  
  


He kept reducing us to tears with each sentence on the whole way to the tower. We pulled into some kind of a driveway after an hour and parked in front of the huge gates with 10 feet high stone fence. 

 

“He should be here any second.”, Sam checked his watch and turned off the engine.

 

All around, mown lawn as far our vision reached and a forest along the right side of the road that led to the facility. 

 

Not far from this one, about 500 meters away, on the other side of the gate there was another parking lot with a few vehicles visible. I knew this was one of many most secured places in the States but I wasn’t sure what I was expecting to see.

  
  


_ Now I can’t go on, I can’t even start _

_ I’ve got nothing left, just an empty heart… _

  
  


Of course, never the one to disappoint, soon enough, Steve came into the sight. As always, looking absolutely drop-dead gorgeous. 

 

I assumed he had left his motorcycle next to the ones at that parking lot since he came on foot. He gave his fingerprint which obviously gained everybody access to the grounds and stepped outside, the gates closing automatically behind him.

 

“Hello.”, he greeted way too formally as he slid into the seat on my right, throwing a ravishing smile at me and raising his brows quickly.

 

“Captain.”

 

“Golden boy.”, the boys replied jokingly but I just grinned back with the same amount of delight to see him.

 

“So, Mr. Falcon, where are you taking us?”, Clint has been dying to know. 

 

Sam’s eyes smiled the ‘I will strangle you in your sleep’ smile and turned his head to the right to face a fellow feathered friend, “First of all, you shall never call me that again. And second…”, he looked straight ahead again and started the engine, “Bowling, baby.”

 

Clint whooped and Steve whispered an excited ‘Yes!’ as we drove off.

 

_______

  
  


“What’s that smile for?”, Steve bumped our shoulders together when we got out of the car.

 

“Nothing.”, it grew wider, “Can’t I just be happy?”

 

“No, of cours-”

 

“Sam tripped and fell in front of at least 20 people.”, Clint cut him short seriously and I barked out laughing, leaning against Steve as we crossed the street. “It was beautiful.”

 

“Shut up, Bucket!”, Sam cried irritably from behind us, pushing me closer into Steve. I turned and blew him a kiss to which he replied by flipping me off and made us all laugh harder.

 

“Hilarious.”, adding sarcastically, he opened the door to the bar and let us in first. “Welcome, lesbians!”

 

Steve just about ran to the back and grabbed the first ball. “Remember this?”, he asked quietly when I reached him.

 

I smiled shyly, “Ahem.”

 

“And...remember Cyclone?”

 

“I remember everything.”

 

Loud sighs interrupted rudely. “Hate to ruin the moment but we’re still here.”, Sam put his arm around Clint who looked less annoyed.

 

I took the ball from Steve, looking around at five more guys and three girls. “Why’s so little people here?”

 

“I will crush you.”, Sam threatened playfully, ignoring my question and sliding a finger across his neck as a demonstration.

 

“You wish.”

 

Steve whistled.  _ You wanna win this or not, Cap? _

 

“Get on with it!”, Clint was getting impatient.

 

“Right then.”, I moved aside, making some room for Sam, “Ladies first.”

 

“Bitch.”

 

“You love me.”, I cooed.

 

“I loathe you.”, he hissed back.

 

“Oooooh!”, I put a hand over my chest, faking a pout of betrayal, “Those are harsh words.”

 

“Facts.”

 

“Go on, love.”, I leaned over a pillar, waiting for him to finally throw the damn ball.

 

“You got this, man. C’mon!”

 

Clint sided with Sam, claiming he’s a master and how he has never seen Steve bowl before. How was that supposed to encourage me?

  
  


It somehow ended in a tie but Clint was right. Sam was a professional and it turned out my skills have gotten rusty. To be fair, though, Clint wasn’t in the best shape either so the two of us watched the other two going at it in a round four.

 

“So, it’s finally the four of us men.”, Clint addressed, slumping down onto the sofa table Sam had pre-ordered. 

 

“It’s always the same number just a different player this time ‘round.”, Sam yelled from across the hall, making Clint pull off a hurt face. “You are a male Nat, though.”

 

I sat opposite him, slurping my coke from the can.

 

“Well, if I may say so myself…Banner  _ is _ kinda smokin’, aye?”

 

I choked and the other three roared in hysterics. When Steve and Sam went back to their little competition, Clint turned to me.

 

“Has it always been as many members?”, I blurted before he could speak.

 

“Avengers? No, there was six of us at first. Cap, Nat, Thor, Bruce, Stark and myself. Sam joined almost two years ago along with Vision and Wanda.”

 

“Wanda and...who?”

 

He laughed. “Yeah. Another in a long line of Stark’s shit moves. Although, Banner had his fingers in there, too.”

 

_ Ok, what? _

 

Judging by my slow blink, he must have concluded I was lost and kept explaining. “He’s kind of a robot, part Ultron, part Tony, part Banner, part UI who’s used to be a talking computer…” 

 

Nothing was yet clear but I went with it, straining my last brain cell to the limit.

 

“Long story short; he can fly, shoot lasers out of his forehead, mostly gives long monologues into the mid distance and is worthy. He’s dope.”

 

_ Huh… _

 

“Wanda though…we met her in Sokovia. Her and...her brother.”, clearing his throat, he dropped the gaze filled with the familiar glint of guilt. “We lost him. But anyway, she the master of telekinesis, telepathy and energy manipulation. No, she’d never use it on us. Anymore.” 

 

My eyeballs might have dropped from the sockets. That was...new.

 

“And Peter Parker?”

 

“That little bastard?”

 

“Bastard?”  _ Why does everyone hate him _ ??

 

“No, I’m kidding. He’s great. Stark found him on YouTube.”

 

My brows shot up.

 

“Another long story. Anywho, us…”, he motioned between himself and Sam, “...the two birds of prey…”, I cringed hard at that, “...we stick together. We’re like are own team. The cool team. I mean, I’m the cooler one here, obviously.”

 

“Whatcha say?!”, Sam’s scream echoed through the place.

 

“Sure, you can fly but that horrendous toy…”

 

Sam gasped like he was going to hyperventilate and his face of bewilderment killed me.

 

“Oh, Redwing? Yeah, I’ve taken him hostage.”, I said proudly, holding my chin high, blowing Sam a kiss.

 

“Shit! Really??”, slamming the table with both of his fists, Clint stared at me in astonishment.

 

Sam pointed at me, “That was a hate crime.”

 

“Yeah, well, pass the new roll of toilet paper next time, buddy!”

 

As he howled a laugh, the ball slipped clumsily from Steve’s grip which resulted in totally missing all the cones. Clint high-fived me.

 

“So, how was Spain?”

 

“Fun.”, his tone didn’t strike me as thrilled, “Slight difficulties with Nate here and there but overall, it was a nice family trip.”

 

“New baby?”

 

“Yeah…”

 

I clapped him on the back, as far as I could reach across the table, “Aw, man, congrats!”

 

He smiled back sheepishly and spoke in a hushed voice.

 

“Listen. I don’t know how well you’re acclimating to the old life but if you ever need an escape, some peace...I own a piece of land in the very east of Long Island. It’s a safe house in a way. My wife and kids have always lived there but they’ve been staying in Manhattan lately.” 

 

When he finished, he nudged me, “You’re always welcome. You’re one of us now.”

 

I could have cried of happiness. A man who I have never seen in my life before, has warmed up to me in seconds, offered me a sanctuary and treated me as one of their own.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**_Tuesday, September 22nd, 2016_ **

  
  


The morning after went by as quickly as the last few days combined. For once, with nothing on my mind to invade the peace, I was able to relax and leave it all be, the way it was in the moment. 

 

With all the time in our hands, we sat apart for a long time. In silence, both in our own worlds but more than likely with the same thoughts in mind. 

 

Suddenly, he lifted his gaze to meet mine and handed me a piece of blank paper, offering, “I give you a drawing lesson, you teach me Russian.”

 

_ Fair enough. _

 

Natasha and I would talk in Russian sometimes, mostly to annoy Sam but we have noticed Steve has gotten curious with time, too.

 

I would have thought that speaking the language would send me into complete turmoil but it was nice to converse about everyday stuff with a normal person and tease each other rather than talking “business”.

 

“I’ve never...do you speak any other language?”

 

I did. German, French, Czech, Romanian, Swedish, Spanish, even Japanese.  There wasn’t a country I haven’t been to, a place I haven’t broken into, a mission I haven’t finished except…

 

One.

 

After Steve’s accurate deduction about how Russian resembled Klingon and my failed attempt at drawing him as he posed (maybe it wasn’t only the lack of skill), we decided it was time for lunch.

  
  


Just when Steve rolled up his sleeves and dug into the dirty dishes, an unfamiliar dull sound rang across the place. As I wiped the glass and placed it into the cupboard above the counter, my eyes looked around to find where it was coming from. 

 

It went off for the fifth time when I realised it was hidden in the corner, behind the tv.

 

“Could you please get that?”, Steve’s voice interrupted whilst he rinsed the plate with his hands and water running over it.

 

“That’s...not your phone?”

 

“Landline.”

 

_ We have a landline? Ok. _

 

I walked over and picked up the phon-

 

“Rogers, what do you have to say for yourself??”, someone blurted in rage before giving me a chance to ask, making me recoil, “And why aren’t you answering your damn phone?”

 

“I’m sorry, wh-”

 

“Don’t bullshit me!”

 

“Who is this?”, the voice wasn’t familiar but I didn’t like it either.

 

“Excuse me?! Rogers, Parker told me about Barnes. He met him and Romanoff two days ag...”

 

_ Stark. _

 

_ Shit. No. No. No. _

 

I clasped my hand over the speaker and ran over to Steve.

 

“Steve! Steve!!”, I whisper yelled just in case, thrusted the phone into his hand and clapped it onto his ear.

 

Wide eyed, I was shaking my head at him but he just stared back. 

 

\- “...ence threatens my kid, I will not hesitate to-” -

 

“Hello?”

 

\- “Are you mocking me? Coz it isn’t funny.”, Stark’s yelling was loud enough for me to hear. -

 

“Sorry, say that again.”

 

\- “Barnes.” -

  
  


_ I’m a soldier, wounded so I must give up the fight _

_ There’s nothing more for me, lead me away… _

  
  


Steve stood still like a statue and said nothing. We locked eyes, worried, in anticipation. He grasped my sleeve and clenched the fabric in his fist, pulling me closer.

 

“What about him?”, his voice was suddenly deeper and serious but unsteady.

 

\- “Why didn’t you tell me? I thought I…” -

 

“Why would I? It’s none…”

 

\- “...ought to know…” -

 

“...of your damn business.”

 

\- “The hell it is not!” -

 

It actually was his business.

 

“Fine. And now what? What are you gonna do about it?”, I was uncomfortable and wanted to pull away but he held me tighter. “You lay one finger on him, I swear to God…”

 

\- “If he threatens Peter or anyon-” -

 

“Oh my God, Tony! You know it wasn’t him. Are you even listening to yourself? How many times??”

 

_ - _ “I don’t want him near Potts or Peter. Period.” _ - _

 

“You’re joking, right?”, I thought for a second I imagined Steve’s eyes were glassy, probably because mine were, too.

  
  


_ Or leave me lying here… _

  
  


The line was cut and Steve stormed into his bedroom without a word more.

 

I was left pacing around for an hour, no sound coming from the bedroom. He definitely wasn’t talking to anyone because I would have heard him if he had. 

 

In case, I went to check, quietly opening the door and seeing him laying on the bed. His face was buried into the pillow, red and wet.

  
  


_ December 16th, 1991 _

 

_ “I have a mission for you. Sanction and extract. No witnesses.” _

 

_ So I ride. I follow them, whoever they were at that moment. My mind only on the mission, focused on the serum I was assigned to abduct. _

 

_ The vehicle approaches and I strike. Its tires screech. The car slides across the wet concrete, crashing into the tree off the road. _

 

_ Leaned forwards on the wheel, an elder man’s red eyes land on me. His voice rasps for help but I don’t give him the pleasure of acknowledgement and reach my left arm out instead. _

 

_ A second later, he is kneeling in the mud, gasping as my cybernetic fist collides with his face, causing the blood to spray out from every pore where the skin is sliced open. _

 

_ Once more, he makes an attempt to catch my eye but lacks strength to keep his own open. Heavy, black lids close and open weakly again. He recognises me. _

 

_ “Help...my wife...help my wife. Sergeant Barnes?” _

 

_ With the last two words, I notice there’s a sparkle of sentiment to his voice but leaves me unaffected. The old man is being punched continuously until his skull is fractured. _

 

_ ‘Dead.’ _

 

_ The woman on the passenger's seat whimpers helplessly at the sight of her husband’s body, laying lifeless, back behind the steering wheel. She wheezes the last hunch of breath when my fingers release her throat, making her head drop low. _

 

_ ‘Dead.’ _

 

_ ‘The serum.’ _

 

_ My thought process is at 5%, mind pacified from the burden of understanding my purpose. I snatch the serum and take off. _

  
  


_ Once I’m free from Hydra, it hits me. _

 

_ Howard Stark. An industrial genius, inventor, multi millionaire, businessman… Former ally. _

 

_ The guilt helps. Self-condolement has developed into a ritual due to desperate hope for confirmation of innocence. _

 

_ I repeat the same every time. Over and over. The treatment ends in vomiting out of self-pity but ‘I am not that man. An alien…’ _

 

_ James lacks the thousand mile stare, whereas that's all Winter has. James is focused on the moment, the present, the target right in front of him - the one posing a threat. James is a sniper. He devotes everything to one point of a focus at a time. His face shows micro reactions as he takes in details of his surroundings, one by one. He's still very situationally aware, but not simultaneously. _

_   
_ _ Winter hunts. His eyes don't flicker everywhere and his body language and firing posture doesn't shift a hundred times minutely like James’ does because rather than focus, with a sniper's point of view, he sees the whole picture. He's taking everything in at once.  _

 

_ James has good trigger discipline and Winter has his finger clamped down over the trigger. He is ready to shoot, to kill at any given second, which James is not. _ __   
  


_ Winter is liberated of every lingering memory of his targets whereas James isn’t. _

 

_ I remember all of them. _

 

_______

  
  


Natasha had a doctor’s appointment in the evening and I expressed my wish to accompany her at least 10 times but she declined nicely each time saying it wasn’t necessary. 

 

Yes, it was. 

 

Bruce couldn’t go because he was in Berlin with Stark’s fiancé and their personal bodyguard...Happy. Honestly,  _ what the heck is that name???  _

 

Apparently, a friend of hers was going to go with her. Even if she had told me, I wouldn’t have had the slightest idea. I was also told they would have a sleepover at  _ friend’s  _ place which meant the three of us would have some peace downstairs. 

 

Steve was still asleep when I left the apartment. Before heading out, I left a note saying he should join Sam and I when he is awake. I stumbled lazily down the stairs with a bunch of vegetables, chicken and pasta. 

 

Sam and Natasha’s fridge contained her cravings; pickles, chocolate cake, oranges and almond milk. I was impressed to learn Sam only ate that, too.

 

A short, slim figure was leaned against the wall by the entrance to Natasha’s place. Her long, brown locks were falling over her face as she held her head down, focused on her phone and red headphones attached. From 6 feet away it was clear enough for me to see she was texting. 

 

Not wanting to appear suspicious I decided not to sneak but caught her off guard anyway. My real hand flew up in defence as an apology but I didn’t say anything. Her headphones fell off and she caught them, dropping her phone in the process, but I was quick enough to grab it before it reached the ground and handed it over to her. By her green eyes and natural makeup, it was obvious she wasn’t older than 20.

 

\- “I hate this.” -

 

Our heads snapped towards the door and then back to each other.

 

\- “You’re not going to a wedding, relax.”, Sam assured.

 

“Don’t bullshit me, Wilson. I look like a sausage.”, Natasha raised her voice. She has either never put up with Sam or the hormones finally kicked in for real.

 

“Fine. Whatever you say.”

 

“Are you saying I look fat??” -

 

_ What the… _

 

\- “I didn’t..you..sweet Jesus!” -

 

“Dinner has arrived!”, I exclaimed, bursting through the door. 

 

Natasha was checking herself in the mirror by the bathroom. She wore a tight, garnet red, knee length dress that really suited her, showing off her bump perfectly. Sam was sat on the armchair, head in his hands.

 

“Thank you!”, he jumped up, hurrying over to me and giving me a bone crushing hug. Bringing his hands to my face, he brought it down to his own and kissed my temple, then took the groceries and disappeared into the kitchen.

 

_ That’s a first. _

 

Natasha and I eyed each other for a moment until she shrugged and started whining again, looking at her reflection.

 

“Don’t sweat it. You look amazing.”

 

“Bu-”

 

“Trust me!”, I reached for her hand and she accepted, squeezing it.

 

Faint mumbles could be heard from the kitchen. I giggled.

 

“Anyways...there’s this girl at the door.”

 

“Bring her in!”, Sam shouted, organizing the food on the island.

 

“Well, I’m just heading out so maybe another time.”, Natasha grabbed her purse and kissed my cheek.

 

“Take care.”, Sam warned, his expression and voice giving a worried vibe.

 

Natasha opened the door and stepped outside, grinning. “I know, Sam. I will.”

 

That was the first time I heard her call him by his first name.

 

“Hey.”, he waved his free hand and nodded towards the girl in the hallway. She waved back with a smile before sending me a last glance. Then they were gone.

 

Aware he wouldn’t catch it, I motioned my head and pointed to the door anyway. “Who was that?”

 

“That’s Wanda. She is one of us.”

 

_ Ooh...wait. _

 

“Isn’t she a bit…?”

 

“Young? Yes.”, finally looking up, he got all serious again. “She is 19 and has a boyfriend so don’t get any ideas…”

 

“Don’t worry!”, I replied through the laughs.

 

Little did he know...

 

“Where’s Cap?”

 

_ Here we go. _

 

“He’s sleeping. I left a note.”

 

I got a nod. “That’s tacos, right?”, he motioned towards one of the paper bags.

 

“Yeah. I thought we’d prepare ‘em with meat, sauce and other fillin-”

 

_ Mission impossible _ went off.

 

“Who would’ve thought? Bucket Barnes, a passionate cook.”

 

Raising an eyebrow, I took over and continued preparing the filling when Sam wiped his hands and got the hold of his phone.

 

“Figures.”

 

“Hm?”

 

“This shit is gonna take a while.”

 

I was still confused.

 

‘Pepper.’, he mouthed. 

 

_ Ah.  _ Chills went up my spine when I remembered the call from earlier. Were they trying to haunt me down again?

 

Rolling his eyes, he answered politely with a sarcastic tone and went to his room. “Hello?”

  
  


Twenty minutes had passed and I was just finishing with packing my fourth taco. I was never interested in cooking which was odd, considering how good I got at it. Especially in the last few weeks, when I had the chance to.

 

Sam was still talking to Pepper. I have never met her but from the stories about her and Stark, she either seemed tooth rothingly sweet or horrifying.

 

I thought they were finally done but it was the front door closing.

 

_ Steve _ .

 

“You’re just in time. I’m almost done.”, I called, not turning around, focused on the masterpiece in front of me. I was having a great time playing with this. “Sam’s on the phone. Could you get the beer and get seated? I’ll be at the table in a secon-”

 

A pair of strong arms hugged my waist from behind as he placed a small kiss to the sensitive spot under the ear.

 

_ Sam is in the next room!!! _

 

My stomach flipped when he did it again and I couldn’t care less. Swiftly turning around in his embrace, I brought my hands to his dirty blond hair. A gasp fled my throat when he squeezed my butt and pressed our lower parts together. 

 

Without any warning, he licked a piece of hot sauce from my upper lip seductively.

 

_ Game over. _

 

Our mouths crashed together forcefully and I moaned loudly, clinging onto him for dear life when he bit down on my lip and pushed his tongue inside my mouth, finding my own.

 

_ “Mhm...I’ll give you two days.” _

 

_ Good. _ At least I knew he didn’t mind the kiss we had earlier.  _ We’re having a conversation about this later though. _

 

He pinned me up against the fridge, picked me up and sat me down on the counter, mumbling quietly between kisses. Knocking over the oil bottle, we pulled awa-

 

“Khm…”

 

...

 

_ Fuck. _

 

We broke apart and Steve got off me instantly. I could see Sam standing a few feet away from the corner of my eye. His mouth in a thin line and a phone close to his ear.

 

“I was just um…”, Steve looked at Sam but freaked out and turned back, taking the beer from the fridge and holding it up as if to show what he was up to. 

 

_ Smooth _ . 

 

He sat at the table, opening one bottle and chugging.

 

“Yeah, they’re fine.”, Sam spoke casually into the phone and returned to his bedroom. Steve nearly choked.

  
  


We ate dinner and watched the Animal planet in a complete silence for the next hour and a half. I was sure Steve wanted to disappear as well. 

 

Sam, though...he seemed pretty cool. The usual bored and unimpressed look displayed on his face. He hasn’t mentioned anything and acted like nothing has happened except for being quiet the entire time. 

 

All three of us had two beers and were getting sleepy by 9pm. When the show was over, Sam took the remote from me and turned the tv off.

 

Still not saying a word, he got up from the couch, saluted and lazily strolled into his bedroom, leaving the two of us alone.

 

After staring ahead for a moment, I heard glass cracking and eyed the bottle in Steve’s right hand.

 

“Ok!”, I took it from him immediately and checked for any sign of blood but there was none. “We should…”, my words fell flat as I swallowed and maintained composure, setting dirty thoughts aside. 

 

He gave me a look that would get by as dirty and starving but somewhere in there, a hint of guilt and apology shone, grounding me. 

 

“We should go.”

 

“Yeah.”, Steve stood up, pulling me along and out of the apartment.

 

“The door?”, I turned as we walked up the stairs, hand in hand.

 

“He’ll lock it. We gotta talk.”

  
  


_ Sound the bugle now, tell them I don’t care _

_ There’s not a road I know that leads to anywhere... _

  
  


As I closed the door behind us, he suddenly turned around to face me and encircled the nape of my neck with his palms. My eyes closed when he ruffled my hair tenderly and brought our foreheads together. I placed my arms around his waist, inhaling the sweet scent.

 

“I talked to Pepper and I want you to come with us to the tower on Friday.”, he whispered.

 

_ What? No way! _

 

I recoiled, shaking my head. “No, I can’t.”

 

“Buck...”, he tried to reach me.

 

“I don’t think that’s…”

 

“Everyone knows anyways…”

 

“...a good idea. Steve!”, I tried to escape his grip when he took my hand and pulled me in.

 

“...and they’re excited to meet you. They’re expecting you to be there. Did you think we were gonna just leave you here alone? Come here!”

 

_ Damn you, Rogers. _

 

He pouted and I couldn’t help but to give in, “They’ll hate me.”

 

“Buck...”, his head tilted to his right, eyes blazing with sorrow, “Everyone loves you already. They know.” 

 

“What about Stark? Does he accept to ‘know’?”

 

“He can’t touch you.”, his voice deepened and got me weak in my knees.

 

“But what if he won’t allow it? Does he even know I’ll b-”

 

“He’s not the boss of me. Or anyone for that matter. It’s not the ‘Stark tower’ anymore. If I decide you’ll move in with me and he doesn’t like that...he knows where the exit is.”

 

_ Excuse me? Move… _

 

“You want me to move in with you?”, I questioned carefully, locking our gazes. His grip was shaky and cheeks redder.

 

“I...yes.”, he admitted. “I have for 3 years. And I’m so glad you’re here now but…”

 

…

 

He took a minute long pause.

 

“But what?”

 

“I don’t want to hide you. I’m not afraid of the world seeing you with me.”, my heart swelled three times its size, “If you want to take it slow, I get it and I respect that but trust me. They’re not any different from Sam or Nat. Even more, no one’s gonna jump you and harass like those two dumbasses do. You have nothing to worry about.”

 

I sighed, making my decision. Well... _ Fingers crossed. _

 


	7. Chapter 7

**_Wednesday and Thursday, September 23rd and 24th, 2016_ **

  
  


The next two days went by pretty chill. We celebrated Sam’s birthday and hung out at the gym so I didn’t get a chance to spend much time alone with Steve. Here and there, I would sense anxiety attacks creeping on but the company kept me cool. Until Thursday evening...

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**_Friday, September 25th, 2016_ **

  
  


_ Greedy. Lustful. Hungry for pleasure. For the pain. Prying. Snatching. Nailing. Clawing deeper for the fresh meat over and over and over again.  _

 

_ “The chair awaits.” _

  
  


I haven’t slept all night, tossing and turning, troubling myself with the outcomes of Sam’s party.

 

_ What if they will hate me? _

 

_ What if I embarrass myself even more? As if I haven’t done enough damage. _

 

Sure. Sam, Natasha, Clint and Wanda would be there but...

 

_ What if they turn them against me, too? _

 

_ What if Steve grows to hate me?? What if he throws me out?? _

 

He couldn’t. He wouldn’t. At least that’s what he said. I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. 

  
  


_ Slimy yet coarse blood red tentacles keep crawling back, glueing itself to my neck. Feeling up and down. Abusing the run-down body, the decaying mind. _

  
  


Like everyday, I heard him wake up a little before 7, getting ready for the run.

 

Standing up, I started pacing around the kitchen. My heart was hammering inside my stomach and I felt my neck heat up as I attempted to breathe steadily, waiting for him to come out. The last thing I wanted was for him to worry but when he stepped out of the bedroom, I leaped towards him, with guilt on my face. 

 

“Steve, I can’t.”

 

“Buck, wh-”

 

“I don’t know. Just...I shouldn’t have agreed to this. This was a mistake.”

 

He gave me the disarming look and I couldn’t say no to that face. We kept going in circles, back and forth, chasing each other and then pushing apart. I was a coward. It shouldn’t have been this difficult.

 

“C’mere.”, he reached out his hand for me to take it and reluctantly I did. “If you don’t feel comfortable with that and think it could mess things up…” 

 

_ Are you letting it slide just like that?? _

 

“...we could postpone it or call it off for good and I’ll stay here with you then.”

 

This was the cruelest, most selfish way I could have ever screw him over. Escaping his grip, I walked away, throwing my head back and running my hands through my hair.

  
  


_ Without a light I fear that I would stumble in the dark, _

_ Lay right down, decide not to go on… _

  
  


“Ughh...dammit!”

 

“Buck, it’s ok. Really.”

 

“It’s not. And I feel like shit for doing this to you. You have done so much and this is not how I should repay you.”

 

“I’m telling you, if it really tro…”

 

“No. I mean, I don’t know.”

 

“...ubles you this much, you don’t have to see them all at once.”, he cocked his head to the left and raised his brows. “You met Clint and Wanda…”

 

“And...Peter?”, I added under my breath and he confirmed it a little more cheerfully.

 

I nodded.

 

Steve came closer, smacking my shoulder gently, earning a heart eyed look. “Baby steps. But the effort counts.”

 

_ It does _ . It did.

 

All the drama and panic for me to just give in and go with the plan in the end. He has never disappointed with words. Known exactly what to say. Every time.

 

I sighed. “Ok.”

 

“Hm?”

 

“I’m gonna do it...for you.”, I whispered the last two words and hung my head low. It was not the thanks he deserved.

 

“You sure?”

 

A moment of weakness.

 

“Yeah…”

  
  


_ The chair... _

  
  


“Well, then. I’m staying with you now.”, he led me to the sofa, with an understanding expression and sat me down, “I wanna have you for myself before those maniacs adopt you later. So…?”

 

_ So. _

 

“What do you wanna do?”, he sat close.

  
  


_ I hope you are still with me when I’m not quite myself. And I pray that you lift me when you know I need help... _

  
  


What options did I have? “Just chill for a while.”

 

Anxiety wouldn’t have been very convenient at the moment so I didn’t bring up the kisses. We haven’t talked about it yet, just kind of went with it. It wasn’t like we needed an official announcement but maybe it would have benefited us both and everyone else to know exactly where we stood. 

 

I couldn’t really speak for Steve. He has never said “Hey, Buck, wanna date for real?” or “I like you and not in a platonic kind of way.” I used to be the guy to initiate things and I would have now too, if I wasn’t scared shitless of getting rejected. This wasn’t about some random chick I would pick up in Manhattan.

 

And it wasn’t just the kissing. Holding hands, cuddling, the whispers, the secret and not so secret glances...The thought of reading the signs wrong was abominable at this point.

 

He smirked and grabbed his phone, “Ok. I can handle that. There should be a couple of songs in here somewhere. Any requests?”

 

Interesting how you can pick up so many things by just observing people around you. When I first escaped, I had nothing. I knew nothing. But as time passed, I started paying attention to more irrelevant and harmless things to end up engrossed in stuff I would have never thought existed.

 

So, walking past the teenagers, I would get information on what was trending; fashion, politics, celebrities… And speaking of music, I found my favourite Starbucks in Brooklyn in no time. Whenever I would stop by, the entire caffe would be humming to Ed Sh-

 

“Ed Sheeran, maybe?”

 

…

 

_ Marry me, maybe? _

 

So...we spent the entire day snuggled up in the living room, listening to Ed Sheeran, Marvin Gaye and Queen on shuffle. And bless Clint for the Bluetooth stereo he had given Steve for July 4th. 

 

He told me about the rest of the team members I was to meet at the party, making each and every one of them sound dope.

 

We both fell quiet after a while, sprawled across the large, grey corner sofa. My fingers roamed through Steve’s blond locks as he lay with his back against my chest, sketching anatomy analysis in his notebook. Mine rested hidden under the pillow I was pressed into.

 

The blinds were still down and the curtains were drawn, preventing any light from breaking in. It was getting stuffy but more comfortable nevertheless.

 

As Steve set the book and the pencil down onto the table and tangled out legs together, on came the first song I have heard after the words ‘asset’ and ‘kill’ have boomed in my ears for more than 20 years. 

 

I knew the rhythm and the lyrics all too well but now I could relate to it on a whole different level, having experienced the feeling of a wholesome, genuine living soul, tight in my embrace. 

  
  


_ ~...I’m falling for your eyes  _

_ but they don’t know me yet, _

_ And with a feeling I’ll forget  _

_ I’m in love now. _

 

_ Kiss me like- ~ _

  
  


_ Holy fuck! _

 

A whine escaped my lungs as I was jabbed into my side when the heavy, relaxed body turned, now facing me and plopped back down hard. His left arm came round my shoulder while his right hung off from the couch, his face nuzzling into the crook of my neck. 

 

_ Clingy. _

 

The scent of coconut shampoo filled my nostrils and my arms wrapped around his firm torso, feeling every back muscle. The music was getting quieter and the lyrics more unclear with every passing second.

  
  


_ ~...I’ve been feeling everything, _

_ From hate to love,  _

_ From love to lust, _

_ From lust to truth,  _

_ I guess that’s how I know you...~ _

  
  


“So I hold you...”, I whispered in his hair.

 

He replied with soft snores, warm breath tickling my skin and I felt myself doze off.

 

_______

  
  


I woke up to the captivating smell of pizza and sounds of two bottles opening. The room was still dark but there was enough light to make everything out.

 

Steve opened the pizza box, placing one piece on a plate in front of him and one on the second plate closer to me.

 

_ It doesn’t get better than this. _

 

“Good morning.”, his raspy voice lifted the pressure from my ears.

 

“Hi.”, I laughed under my breath, pushing myself up into a sitting position to check the time on my phone. ‘6.30pm’

 

Well, it has been 3 long hours and I was getting seriously hungry, having only eaten PBJ at 9am. Steve gave a lopsided smile and handed me my plate when my stomach rumbled.

 

Hot, greasy taste filled every pore inside my mouth, making me growl out a guttural sound. “Oh my God...so good.”

 

As I licked the tips of my fingers and opened my eyes, they found Steve swallowing hard, staring wide eyed at his feet, red in the face. It made me blush too and I cleared my throat, promising myself to tone it down.

 

When there was not a single crumb left, we went back to lounging in silence. Only this time off of each other. Steve rested his feet on the coffee table, pulling out his anatomy sketches whilst I checked my phone.

 

Over twenty notifications on WhatsApp...

 

_ *20 messages from Natasha* _

 

_ *Natasha sent 2 images* _

 

The first picture showed Natasha tucked in her bed, wearing an oversized, pink hoodie she received as a gift from Bruce, making a face of nuisance. 

  
  


_ NATASHA: “Get it out of me!” _

  
  


In the last few days she has been a little more run-down but pregnancy complimented her nevertheless. She was glowing.

 

She babbled about the 4D Ultrasound she was going to experience today and complained about having to be late for the party.

 

Another chat notification appeared over Natasha’s second selfie with the tiniest yellow onesie laying over her chest.

 

It was Sam. I opened it without replying to Natasha, hoping it would take less than a minute because I would be screwed otherwise.

  
  


_ PIGEON: You both home? _

 

_ BUCKAROO: Yeah. Why? _

 

_ PIGEON: Skype in 5? _

 

_ BUCKAROO: Cool. *thumbs up emoji*  _

  
  


“Hm.”

 

Steve’s eyes left the notebook and went back and forth between mine and the phone in my hand. “What’s up?”

 

“Sam’s calling in five. I don’t know.”, I placed my phone on the coffee table after sending Natasha three heart emojis, opened Steve’s laptop and waited, leaning back. 

 

Sam was currently at the tower, making sure everything was ready for the party. The rest of the team was already there, or at least so I was told. Well, except for Natasha and Steve. The two of them were going to be late because her doctor’s appointment was scheduled for twenty minutes before the party and she would need to rest afterwards. 

 

She had less than a month left and could not move around as much anymore. Most days she would just lay in bed and read, eat and pass out after. It was a shame that Bruce couldn’t be by her side at all times. He was on and off at conferences every other day. They didn’t even live together anymore. Natasha only moved in with Sam to have someone help her with pregnancy stuff. 

 

No one except Tony, Pepper and Vision really lived at the tower. They had no time for her necessities and everyone else was scattered around Manhattan, Brooklyn, Bronx and Queens. 

 

Moving his stuff away too, Steve settled in closer to me and put his feet under my thigh. His toes were ice.

 

“You okay?”, he whispered into my ear, having rested his chin on my shoulder.

 

“Nervous.”, I admitted. I was horrified.

 

When he spoke again, his voice still sounded exhausted and incredibly soothing, making me jawn. “You’re gonna be fine. I’ll be there with you.”

  
  


_ I look at myself and instead I see us, _

_ Whoever I am now, it feels like enough... _

  
  


His fingers reached for mine, trying to intertwine and I was sure he fell asleep when the ringtone went off, making him groan and scoot away. 

 

_ Timing. _

 

Steve leaned forwards to answer and then fell back, closing his eyes. “How’s it going? You almost done?”, he asked with a hint of annoyance before Sam could even greet us.

 

“Yeah…”, he heard it too, “I just finished. Chillin’ in my chamber right here.”, he was turning around, showing off his place on his, Natasha’s Steve’s and Thor’s floor. I didn’t catch much because he spinned twice with the speed of lightning and leaned against some pillar. 

 

Steve remained in the same position the entire time while Sam was the one holding the conversation, clearly overly excited for tonight. We found out how the team was getting ready and could actually hear faint voices coming from outside Sam’s room which just made me more unsteady.

 

“So, anyways…”, he finally concluded as he got onto the bike outside the base. Steve got up and disappeared into the kitchen. 

 

“It starts in two hours and I still have some shit to get from the apartment so Imma be there in about half an hour to pick you up.”

 

“Yes, sir.”, I saluted before turning around to see Steve gulping down a glass of water.

 

“K. Peace.”, showing the sign with his fingers, he ended the call.

 

Steve went off to prepare everything he needed himself and half an hour later he walked over to the island where I was sitting, reading my book. I pushed it aside and stood, facing him, aware of the pouty face I sent his way.

  
  


_ Coz I see a man who is learning to trust... _

  
  


“I’m leaving now but I’ll see you at the tower in no time. Right?”

 

I nodded back, unable to look at him. He took my hand and squeezed once before exiting the apartment.

 

_ Don’t panic. Deep breaths. Steady. _

 

I nearly lost my balance when someone barged into the place.

 

My vision was blurry but I caught sight of a bulky silhouette making its way over, throwing something crunchy on the counter. It carried on till it reached the balcony and pulled the heavy curtains apart, letting the daylight blind the hell out of me.

 

“You alright, man?”

 

_ Sam. _

 

I didn’t reply. Still dizzy, supporting myself with my arms on the table, I prevented myself from toppling over again. The cool air hit my face as Sam opened the windows wide and I regained my sight.

 

“It’s fucking hot in here.”, he coughed twice, “What were you doing?”

 

The attempted joke didn’t get past me but his light blue suit and fancy shoes had all of my attention.

 

I was staring and he was, too. Both confounded for less than a second. “I was just trying it out.”, he took the coat off.

 

“I’m fine, um-”, I finally managed to get some words out, only to find out my voice was hoarse and I could tell Sam was getting anxious. I thought I might as well explain the situation now.

 

“You don’t gotta go into details, I was kidding.”

 

_ Oh my...what?? _

 

_ No! _

 

“No. Listen, man, I…”, I was already making it awkward as hell, “...I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable around us. That was...it wasn’t… Well, we didn’t mea-”

 

“Well aside from…”, he rolled his eyes, a mischievous smirk forming on his lips, “...the show you two pulled off on Tuesday…”

 

“Oh, God! That wasn-”, I whined quietly, burying my face in my hands and making him laugh, though he quieted down a second later. “Nothing happened. We haven’t talked about...I don’t know.”

 

“I’m not uncomfortable. Look. I know it’s none of my business but lemme tell you somethin’.”

 

_ A beat. _

 

“It was about damn time.”

 

_ Fair enough _ . I got to exhale, knowing he didn’t mind, let alone rooted for us.  _ What the fuck, though? _

 

“We just passed each other in the hallway when he picked up Romanoff.”

 

I nodded.

 

“But um…”, his voice was serious and his posture indicated that whatever he was about to say, he was determined to get through with it.

 

It scared the shit out of me and I just stayed quiet until he spoke. 

 

“I don’t really know how to put this, um...you know what?”, he called louder, “I’m just gonna say it; I know about the nightmares and I want to help you with that so, please, I want you to consider this.”

 

He gasped for air but I didn’t even get the chance to answer when-

 

“Great! Thank you. Now…”, he pointed at me, frowning, “...speak.”

 

What was I supposed to say? I had the urge to punch something, however I restrained myself, taking deep breaths. Making a scene would be highly inconvenient and I had no right to be mad at anyone. I just wasn’t used to people offering help. Instead, they served anguish, torment, death, loss of all values one used to posses-

 

“In your own time.”

  
  


_ Then from on high, somewhere in the distance _

_ There’s a voice that calls “Remember who you are”... _

  
  


I sighed steadily, studying the possible ways of getting away with it.

 

“Have you ever talked to someone?”

 

…

 

“Well, we talked yesterday and I’ve been talking to Steve for the entire day until he left like 5 minu…”

 

“Ha ha! Funny.”, the tone was sarcastic and annoyed, “But c’mon, all joking aside. This is the last thing you wanna joke about. Trust me.” 

 

I would have lied if I said I wasn’t surprised about how serious he was.

 

_ Inhale… _

 

“When I was out there, I couldn’t sleep because I didn’t have this.”, my hands motioned around as I walked out onto the balcony and sat on one of the chairs. “Now that I have this, I don’t sleep because...I’m afraid that one day I’ll wake up and all of it will be gone again. There would be no smell of black coffee that wakes me up in the morning, warm blankets and soft pillows, laughs with you guys, someone to hold-”

 

_ Crap. _

 

“It used to be so different before the war.”, my breath hitched and I scoffed, “Or maybe it wasn’t. He’s still the same stubborn punk but there wasn’t that fear of possible sudden loss.”

 

I stood and started walking back and forth around the balcony, aware of Sam’s gaze following my every move.

 

“I was never scared for him then. Whenever I’d get him out, he’d get a piece of my mind but...I knew he wouldn’t just drop dead. He was tiny but tough. And of course there were dangers. Haunting, stalking around every corner and it was normal. Anyone could disappear at any point.”, I had all of Sam’s attention and when he didn’t say anything, I continued.  

 

“Oh, and we would laugh at it all later. Tease, make fun of every single one of the scars we have ever earned.”

 

I smiled to myself, recalling the all nighters we would pull and name Steve’s scars after the idiots who’s fists he has tasted, who’s butts he has kicked. For a moment, I hesitated and the warm feeling deserted my insides.

 

That wouldn’t be exactly fun anymore. Having names of your tormentors engraved in your skin permanently. Especially not your own, since most of the damage you have brought on yourself and the one who gives purpose to your existence.

 

“Then I had to leave. And even then it wasn’t that big of a deal because...I was somehow convinced I’d come back and we’d have each other again and everything would be okay. You know what happened next.”

 

Turning around to face him, I found Sam looking away. “It’s all fun and games until it suddenly isn’t.”

 

He nodded, chewing his bottom lip, brows raised.

 

“There’s this line between normal and hopeless I have to cross every time I wanna reach out. And the problem is not to come back, that becomes a routine in no time. You just slide right back into pointless and desolated, despite giving your damn best to hold on for a little longer. But even when you finally get the chance to see again, it gets harder and harder to decide whether you wanna take it or not anymore. _ ” _

 

Sam sniffed and ran the back of his palm under his nose, fixing his stare on me again. “Yeah.” The flash of guilt struck from his eyes and back to that bitter look I knew all too well. He understood.

 

“I lost my wingman, too. Riley. When I was still in the US Air Force. Nothing I could do. Like I was there just to watch. So um...I know where you’re coming from. You and Cap both.”

 

The train flashed in front of my eyes. Steve...reaching lower and further to get the hold of my hand and in a blink of an eye, he was clinging to the vehicle, screaming. More distant. Smaller. There just to watch, too.

 

Clearing his throat, Sam seemed to compose himself and continued.

 

“That’s why I joined ‘Veterans Affairs’’. First as a patient and now as a full-time employee. I was able to get out of it gradually and I’ve made progress. It doesn’t go away though. There’s days when everything sucks but everyone has those. Some bad, some worse but it’s ever present. Some stuff you leave there. Some stuff you bring back. It’s our job to help you figure out how to carry it.”

 

My chest grew heavy so I sat back down, listening intently.

 

“We call it a ‘rehab’. It’s inevitable if you want out. And yeah, it requires hard work. Courage too. And frankly, I’m one hundred percent sure you wouldn’t be in this apartment now, talking to  _ me _ ...if you didn’t have it in you.”

 

I longed for a change. It was indispensable. And the meetings were essential. Just when I thought about everything I have been missing out on. The sunny mornings and early runs, hot Frappuccino in the nearest Starbucks, movie nights, family gatherings, laughing so much it ends up in tears. So much to look forward to, to live for, to risk… No matter what I yearned for, though, nothing made sense if it didn’t end up leading back to-

 

“And see the way you look at him.” 

 

_ I swear, this guy can read minds. _

 

“He’s home and you’re trying like hell to get back to it. The last thing I’m trying here is to be invasive but, and I don’t know if that was the first time…”, he raised his arms in defence, “...you seemed the most at ‘home’ when I walked in on you. I know.”

 

Usually, I would back up but for the first time in my life I didn’t mind someone reading me like an open book. Sam was right and I was glad it was him to understand. Besides, my chest felt at least 200 lbs lighter now that I have said it all out loud.

 

“You’re grounded, finally feeling safe after so long. You’re just missing that one little piece of the puzzle to completely feel free to be you, to feel like you belong somewhere in this world.”

 

He leaned against the railing, hiding his face in the shadow so he could look at me properly. “What makes you happy?”, he asked casually.

 

My head snapped back to see him smiling at me.

 

“Wh- You just basically summed up my life perfectly and you ask me…”

 

He waited with the same expression and arms folded against his chest. “So?”

 

“This here, I don’t know.”, I huffed into the air, a little embarrassed, “You guys. A steady place to let down my defences. Someone to return to.”

 

Sam nodded as if he knew exactly what words I would choose.

 

“You know, I asked Cap that exact same question when he came to one of my meetings, when we first met almost three years ago.”

 

“What did he say?”

 

“He said he didn’t know. His smile faded just like yours did now.”, he pointed at me, looking away, “And I swear I’ve never seen greater sorrow radiate from a human being.”

  
  


_ If you lose yourself, your courage soon will follow _

_ So be strong… _

  
  


Silence filled the fresh autumn air as we both settled with observing people passing our building, minding their own business, dealing with God knows how many and what kind of problems.

 

“But…”, Sam continued after a minute or two, “I think he’s known for two weeks now.”

 

I knew what he was saying and felt myself turn a dark shade of red.

 

“You may think you’ve got a lot to lose now but trust me, kid. This, here...is all you need. You can’t lose it.”

 

...

 

“He loves you too.”

  
  


_ (The day before at the gym.) _

 

_ “You wanna hold him?” _

 

_ I scroll through Steve’s messages from the past week in silence whilst sitting on Sam’s feet for support as he does crunches. _

 

_ Steve slept through most of the night for the first time and continued to sleep through most of the day...when he wasn’t painting. _

 

_ “What?”, I take a second to note he was speaking to me and shaking my head slightly, feeling disoriented, I turn my head to the side to cast Sam a sceptical look as he bends forwards again. _

 

_ “117.”, he counts, “You wanna touch him?” _

 

_ Two more seconds to process his question. He can see the messages over my shoulder when he brings himself up. “Shut up.” _

 

_ Completely ignoring me, he teases again, “You wanna kiss him? 120.”, a blow of hot breath warms my neck as he pants. _

 

_ “Stop it. No.”, I hid my phone. _

 

_ “Do you looove him?” _

 

_ … _

 

_ Effortlessly. _

  
  


“I wouldn’t be so sure if he had failed to mention it at least once out of every. single. day. for the last two years.”, he let out an exasperated sigh and nudged my arm. “You think he’d hold your ass the way he did if it weren’t true?”

 

“Wilson?!”, he barked out a laugh when I smacked his arm and pushed past him to get back inside. He followed suit.

 

“Hey!”, I called when he headed to the door, already carrying his backpack. Turning around, he raised his brows to show I had his attention.

 

“Thanks.”

 

“C’mere.”, Sam gave his best smirk, opening his arms, inviting me in for a hug. He patted my back firmly and let go fast. 

 

“I’m sorry for making it all depres-”

 

“No.”, he shook his head, “We needed this. We help each other out. That’s what family does.”

 

My eyebrow shot up.  _ Family? _

 

“Friends...are family we get to choose for ourselves. And I couldn’t be happier with my choices.”

  
  


_ You’re a soldier now, fighting in a battle _

_ To be free once more. _

  
  


“Well, then.”, I cleared my throat, opening the door for him, “Let’s meet the rest of the family.”

 


	8. Chapter 8

After almost an hour of driving down the familiar road, already gone over once, my heart was slowly starting to flutter and my stomach to tap dance nervously. I didn’t realise my fingers worked over the air bag tank in front of me as I stared blankly ahead, until Sam hit the break to get my attention and ushered out the question. 

 

“So...what happens once we get there?”

 

He started again, picking up the pace, “I check us in, go over some stuff with Hill and then we dance the night away.”

 

The road was deserted and the dark sky clean, only the moon taking shape.

 

“Hm.”, I leaned into my seat and closed my eyes, attempting to breathe deeply, “And what about me?”

  
  


_ Don’t you know I’m no good for you? _

 

_ ‘Shut up…’ _

  
  


“You...are to be taken care of.”, distracted by his last words, I didn’t even notice when he pulled over in front of the gates. A blue light was projected from the camera on top of the stone pillar, scanning Sam’s face as he leaned forwards for a better angle.

 

When it got whoosed back, the gates opened. Another half a mile and we parked among a couple of other cars and a motorbike, which Sam approached.

 

“You got your stuff?”, he checked, mounting it.

 

I walked over, putting my backpack over one shoulder and staring down at him, “Yeah. Really?”

 

“What?”, putting on a helmet, he didn’t bother to look up, “Never ridden a bike before?”

 

“Umpf, of cours-”

 

He laughed in my face, “I’m kidding. I literally saw you on it.”, handing me another helmet, which I took and climbed behind him.

 

“I just don’t see the point in changing vehicles now. We could’ve driven there in the car.”

 

“It’s faster this way. Plus, nowhere to park that beast. Hold on tight, princess.”, he started the engine and we took off.

 

Only meters away, two strange looking buildings appeared ahead. One with a quinjet stationed at the runway in the front and a chopper on top of it, the other with a gigantic letter ‘A’ plastered on the side.

 

Just as I predicted, we stopped in front of that second, bigger construction by the Hudson river, forest and open field surrounding the base.

 

_ Impressive. _

 

“Welcome to the Warehouse.”

 

“Wait, what is…”, I motioned to the orange 1962 Chevrolet Corvette next to the bike when I got off.

 

“Take a wild guess. So, obviously, aircraft is right there…”, Sam pointed to our left as we entered the tunnel that led us deeper into the ground. “...and here is where the magic happens. Traini-”

 

“Yeah, I know. Military training, weapons development, scientific research an…”

 

“And the New Avengers program.”

 

_ New program? _

 

“I mean, with all the additions, eh?”, he nudged as he straightened up to give a fingerprint once we reached another door.

 

After a few peeps, “Samuel Thomas Wilson.”, he said his full name, looking into the camera. Having blazed red, it turned and focused on me.

 

“James Buchanan Barnes.”, he spoke very clearly again and we were allowed to enter.

 

Casting him a curious look, I nearly collided with one of two very different but equally important looking women when we turned a corner. That would have been a charming first acquaintance.

 

“Oof, good Lord. Hello?”, the dark haired woman I had almost ran over eyed me up and down. “Maria Hill.”

 

“James...Barnes.”

 

She offered her free hand and when we let go, it grasped one of the two phones again. “Nice to finally meet you. It’s been, what, two years?”

 

“Two years.”, the second, taller, blonde woman confirmed and shook my hand, too. “Pepper Potts.”

 

_ Joy. _

 

“Now, nothing to be nervous about.”, Maria smirked when she caught my fingers twirling a strand of my bangs, “I have something for you. Here.”

 

Pulling out three pieces of paper from her pocket, she thrusted them into Sam’s already full hands, “Don’t lose it. Please, go over it later.”

 

Sam saluted with the papers, folded them and stuffed them recklessly into the sack, which earned him a warning look from Pepper. He grinned back sheepishly.

 

“Any further formalities or are we good to go?”, another man’s arm began pushing me towards an elevator through a long, dim hall.

 

The ladies walked behind us and when we stopped, Maria turned to me, “Well, I was given the instruction not to put you on the spot  but if you...”

 

Desperately, “Please don’t-”

 

Sam laughed and winked, nudging me into the elevator. 

 

“Well then, welcome to the Avengers!”, she exclaimed and took the right while Pepper walked in the other direction.

 

The man’s firm stroke on my back and the blinding lights inside sent flashes from two days ago to overshadow the elevator doors closing.

  
  


_ In the Starbucks, opposite the gym, on the evening of Sam’s birthday, Sam, Steve and I are sitting across from Clint, Natasha and Wanda, whom Clint brought along. _

 

_ She is quite cool. Very young but polite and elegant, everyone treats her as if she was their age. Not speaking much and sipping her drink, she laughs at everything Sam says. _

 

_ “As you do, we tryna get shit done and are just about to take ‘em down and then that infant Philip flie-” _

 

_ “Peter.”, Steve corrects calmly. _

 

_ “Eh, potato-potahto.”, Sam grimaces and waves his hand, “Anyway, he flies in and bedaubs everything in fucking webs,…” _

 

_ A loud sigh escapes Natasha’s mouth when she leans back on the headboard and makes us all snigger, except Sam, who apparently fails to notice as he continues, “...completely exposing ever-” _

 

_ “Mute.” _

 

_ Across from me, at the end of the table, Wanda snorts quietly and hides her face behind her curls. Next to her, Natasha smiles in satisfaction with her eyes closed, holding her stomach and all the way in the corner, Clint slurps his iced coffee awkwardly, trying to suppress a laugh.  _

 

_ Opposite from him, Sam turns his face to the right slowly, eyeing me curiously over Steve, who sat between us, with his face low but lips curving up in a smirk on my side. I smile at Wanda, ignoring him. _

 

_ Once freeing me from the glare, Sam tries again, “Exposing everyone and sabotaging my brillian-” _

 

_ “Mute.” _

 

_ “You will shut up or I’ll whoop yo a-” _

 

_ “Mute.” _

 

_ “You lil bitch!”, offended, he faces me again, now emitting fury.  _

 

_ Completely failing to foresee how screaming ‘Nooo!’ and trying to inch away wouldn’t get me anywhere, both Steve and I end up soaked in water from Natasha’s glass, which makes the table howl with laughter. _

  
  


The piercing  _ ‘ding’  _ sound woke me again, signaling for our destination on the top floor. The lights went off and a voice from the speakers, that were apparently all over the place, startled the hell out of me.

 

“How may I assist you, mr. Wilson?”

 

“Everything’s under control, Friday.”, Sam dismissed that someone with a sharp but soothing, obviously woman’s voice as he led the way to an enormous room with glass walls and doors, letting me in first.

 

Having checked all the corners on the ceiling, I leaned into Sam’s side, whispering in fright. “Bro, who’s that?”  _ Do they have fucking cameras?  _

 

_ Of course they do. Pull yourself together. _

 

“I am mr. Stark’s UI. My job is to help with everything anyone requires around here.”, Friday didn’t give Sam the chance to answer.

 

_ UI? _

 

“Does mr. Barnes need anything at the moment?”

 

This one made me freeze on the spot. “N-no, thank you…?”, I managed to stutter a thanks.

 

“Very well then.”

 

For a moment, I stood motionless, staring at nothing whilst trying to process. Then, turning on my heel, I whisper yelled to Sam.

 

“Dude, what the heck?”

 

He sighed, stilling from arranging numerous vinyls but went back to it in a second as he spoke, “Like the lady said, she’s Stark’s invention…”

 

“His invention?”

 

“Yes, he created her but she checks in on everyone who comes in, picks up any sign of movement, detects voices but mutes until you call her and takes ‘orders’.”

 

That was some advanced shit I had no interest in learning about now because…”How does she know my name, though?”

 

To that, Sam’s eyes found mine, “How does anyone know your name here?” 

 

_ Steve. _

 

There was a quick knock at the door and when my gaze found the source, it landed on a freaking Zeus.

 

Before me stood a man at least 6’5”. Ripped. His body was out of this world. I was afraid the tight grey shirt would tear open and reveal a twelve pack or something. Only the muscles probably weighed more than Sam and myself together. Single of his biceps was bigger than both of mine, even the cybernetic one. 

 

His blond hair was cut short and the slight stubble covered his face but couldn’t conceal the disarming smirk he sent our way. I have never seen anyone’s teeth this white. The guy even had dimples.

 

“Wilson.”, his throaty voice boomed when he threw Sam a friendly glance and greeted before making his way over to me.

 

“Hey, man.”, Sam returned nonchalantly, engrossed in preparing the alcohol by the bar.

 

The slap on the back I received from Sam earlier was like a gentle caress compared to this guy’s swing. It definitely left a mark.

 

“You must be James. Thor.”

 

_ Here we go. _ I accepted his hand, already expecting to have mine broken but he restrained himself, probably having noticed my other arm rubbing where he smacked me.

 

“I am. Nice to meet you.”

 

“Likewise. Have you met the others?”

 

Immediately expecting a stampede to appear from behind him, I swung myself to the side, balancing on the right leg and back. My heart skipped a beat. Nobody was there.

 

“Some.”

 

He nodded, throwing his head back a little and frowning. “Captain isn’t here?”

 

“Nope.”, Sam threw a kitchen towel on one of the shelves, having wiped his hands and came to sit next to us. “Tinker Bell is taking Romanoff to the hospital.”

 

Thor’s head snapped to him and his eyes widened in delight. “It’s time?”

 

“Huh? Oh. No, no. She has an appointment.”

 

Indistinct chatter from the hall startled the three of us and I was being smacked on the shoulder again. Thankfully, it was Sam this time again.

 

“Good luck, stud. Stark ain’t coming so you’re good.”

  
  


_ I’m on my own… _

  
  


“I thought you said it wasn’t gonna be a big deal. It feels like everyone’s here just for me, though.”

 

“You’re doing great so far.”, Thor assured. “Oh, did you…”

 

“Yeah.”, Sam pulled out his phone, too. “Good God!”

 

Thor’s deep chuckle thundered as he put his phone away, walking backwards to the door. “Take it easy, dear Wilson. I shall take care of Stark’s son.”

 

_ Ahuh. _

 

With that, he was gone, leaving the door open for others.

 

“Imma just go change real quick.”, Sam turned the volume up on the DJ controller and left the room, too.

 

Clint walked in side by side with Wanda, whom I barely recognised at first, and two other men behind them. Sliding off the stool, I waited for them to reach me only to get a fist bump from Clint as he strode past me to the inner side of the bar, leaving me with Wanda who stood on her toes and leaned in for a kiss on the cheek.

 

I kissed hers, “How are you?”

 

“Hi!”, her tiny hand squeezed my forearm as she pulled away, beaming up at me.

 

“Nice to see you.”

 

“Nice to see you, too.”

 

Referring to her newly dyed, auburn hair, I couldn’t help but compliment, “You look beautiful.” 

 

“You look great, too!”, her eyes lit up even more just before she fired back almost immediately, rousing the blush to creep on.

 

“Oh, God..!”, looking away and hiding my face behind a metal palm, I made her laugh. I wouldn’t say a messy hairstyle, basic blue T-shirt and white jeans were worthy of being considered attractive but it might have been diffidence kicking in casually.

 

“Anyway…”, she patted my left arm with care and a steady smile before turning around and taking a tall man, who has been eyeing me analytically for the entire time, by his hand, whispering, “Vis.”

 

He stepped forward, giving me yet another intense look. The guy was as tall as Thor but with a lack of his muscles, his hair the same blond shade but the sharp features on his pale face much kinder.

 

“This is Bucky.”, she introduced me, “Steve’s...friend.”

 

_ Why? _

 

A hand was being offered to me and I accepted it, giving it a firm shake. “Vision.”

 

_ Sorry, what? _

 

“You must have heard of me.”, Vision spoke in a strong british accent.

 

“In fact, I have but…”

 

“Wasn’t expecting flesh and bone?”, he finished the sentence for me.

 

“Um, well. No.”, I chuckled, not wanting to sound rude. “No, I didn’t. And I don’t know how you’ve looked like before but I feel like this is working out very well for you.”

 

Wanda hugged his arm, leaning into his shoulder, giggling along with Vision. “Isn’t it? Someone’s done a good job.”

 

“She sure did. However…”, he continued more seriously but in a teasing manner as he turned to look at the shorter man behind them, “It probably wouldn’t have gotten to that if someone had ‘reprogramed the synapses to work collectively’.”

 

“Ok, ok. Again, my bad. Happy?”

 

The man wobbled two steps forward, clutching at his purple shirt while running his other hand through his dark, short curls.

 

“Bruce.”

 

_ Oh, wow! _

 

“Hi.”, I was being pulled in for a tight, welcoming hug. He really did seem all fluffy and bubbly as I was told too many times.

 

\- “Do you have it here? I would really wanna see it! Can I lift it? Mr. Stark said I would 100% lift it.”, a kid’s voice was shooting out questions at someone right outside the room. -

 

“I bet you could.”, Thor agreed when they came in sight. Next to him trailed Peter, trying not to fall behind. He was looking up at him like at The Empire State, keeping Bruce entertained, who giggled to my right.

 

Having absorbed his surroundings sloppily, Peter pulled a tiny gadget from his sleeve and brought it to Thor’s face, who pushed it away and laughed, “Look, mr. Thor, I have my webbs her- Oh, hey mr. Barnes!”

 

My arm shot up in a reply when I saw him wave frantically in my direction before going back to bothering the god. 

 

“Have you seen me shoot th-”

 

“Maybe another time, Iron Jr.”, Thor cut him short, reaching for a bottle of beer and a…”Want a shot?”

 

Peter’s smile grew but when he was about to accept, “No, he most certainly does not. Everyone, please, quiet down.”, Pepper appeared out of nowhere and pushed the glass away, taking Peter by his shoulders and sitting him down on the armchair in some kind of a reading section in the corner.

 

Everything was happening so quickly, I didn’t have a chance to process or make out my own thoughts. Actually, that might not have been so bad after all.

 

Thor retired to the back, closer to Bruce and I, and handed me the beer. Wanda and Vision scooted next to Pepper when Sam sneaked through the back door and scared the living hell out of Clint, sending his blueberry tart flying across the room.

 

“Princess Shuri of Wakanda!”, a dark man, most likely in his early fifties, walked in, with two women in african clothes and spears behind him, silencing the room.

 

He stood aside, along with both women and revealed a teenage girl. Unlike her bodyguards, she wore a high bun, white shirt, pink jacket, black skirt, Vans sneakers and a flashing grin.

 

_ What the fuck is happening now? _

 

While she was greeting everybody, I caught a sight of the man, who introduced her, looking at me. When he saw me notice, he straightened up and saluted formally from the distance. I mirrored him before he turned on his heel and left the room, speaking to Friday.

 

_ Rhodes. _

 

“That child is so weird.”, Thor fired once we had settled and sent us all into hysterics, “He kept talking about Kevin Bacon and this new team Backstreet Boys. I think we should look out for them, they might be a threa…”

 

Whatever followed after that, I didn’t catch. It became too loud and crowded so, reflexively, I zoned out. My brain went fuzzy and good thing I was sat down and leaning against the island because I would have gone down. As it got even louder, with music and voices fusing together, my eyes fell upon bowls of fruit and pastries, which soon became blurry when they unfocused.

 

I felt myself rock left to right slightly, my head nearly bobbing forwards and I was drawn back to reality when my arm got into short circuit and shot sparks out at someone.

 

A female voice in a funny accent was the first thing I heard, “Oh, sorry!”

 

“Yo, man. C’mon, you ok?”, Sam slapped my cheek gently from across the island and pointed to my left. “You’ve been out for ten minutes or something.”

 

On my side stood the princess from before, analyzing my arm in awe. When I looked back, Sam disappeared.

 

“Well, you are going to be a challenge. I’ve never seen anything so...dysfunctional.”, she giggled, daring to trail the arm again.

 

I studied her face carefully. She was Peter’s age.  _ What the hell?  _

 

“Well, the one who built this kept my brain in a blender long enough for it to seem absolutely pointless to fix anything at this point.”

 

Shuri gave me a smart look, throwing her head back, “So, you wouldn’t bother?”

 

_ She is literally offering to give you another arm. Act like a grown up! _

 

I sighed.

 

“I was asked to help you but now…” 

 

_ Oh, no, please! I didn’t mean it like t- _

 

“Sergeant Barnes, I am going to send you on a long, well deserved vacation.”

 

The word vacation has never screamed ‘recovery’ so clearly.

 

She got comfortable on the stool next to mine and started naming ways of deleting HYDRA programming from my mind as well as the process of getting my arm fixed.

 

“Tangerine?”, a voice called from my left and as I turned, my eyes landed on Bruce holding a handful of tangerines under my nose, looking up at me through his big squared glasses.

 

“Um, thank you.”, my hand automatically reached for one. Shuri took one as well, smiling widely at the man who walked off a moment later, probably to give all the fruit away.

 

She continued to brainstorm out loud for another ten minutes until Peter came and took her away, asking about astral projection, quantum physics and something he called memes.

 

Fortunately, I wasn’t left alone as James Rhodes took Shuri’s place on the chair.

 

_______

  
  


**Steve’s POV**

  
  


It might have taken us ten minutes but we made it to the top of the fifth staircase, Nat ahead of me, panting like she had ran two miles.

 

“You alright?”, I grasped her shoulders, pushing her gently so she would rest at the bottom stair, “Sit down for a sec.”

 

“No, no!”, trying to breathe the words out, she smacked my peck weakly and I moved away, “You know I’d never stand back up again.”

 

Struggling to find my keys, I cursed under my breath, “I should have had Tony fix the blasted elevator.”

 

“Well, there’s no point now. I’m due in any week.”

 

“Right.”, snatching the keys with my middle and ring finger from the back pocket of my coat, I unlocked the doors and helped Nat inside. “It’s 8.23 now. When do you wanna leave?”

 

“I’m okay with nine.”, she hobbled across the room, holding her belly with one hand and her lower back with the other. Her ankles and wrists were sore, she had gotten more tired and grumpy but as far as anyone was concerned, she has never been happier.

 

“Another foot massage?”

 

She shook her head and lay down onto the couch, grimacing at the ceiling, speaking to her child,  “Honey, please. Can mommy rest for a tiny second?”

 

“You sure you’re gonna be fine?”

 

Nat growled in response, “I’m so ready for her to pop out!”

 

I fidgeted awkwardly a few feet away from her, smiling sympathetically. “I’m gonna get your stuff. Where’s everything?”

 

“Right, so…”, finally she settled comfortably in the faux fur cushions, exhaling shakily, “The case is on the bed with the red sack. That’s it on my behalf. I don’t know if Sam needs his shit.”

 

With that her eyes fell shut and head sunk deeper into the soft white pillows. 

 

“Okay…”, I left the door slightly ajar just in case when I exited the apartment.

  
  


As I was walking back, down the stairs, sudden worry washed over me. Bucky occupied my thoughts and how he was holding up.

 

Hastily, I hauled out my phone, hoping for an update from Maria, who promised to take care of the situation. There were no unread messages so I typed.

  
  


_ CAP: How’s it going? _

 

A reply was sent within seconds.

 

_ HILL: As smooth as baby’s butt. *winking emoji* _

  
  


I let out a sigh of relief.  _ Good. _

 

As I pocketed my phone away, I walked in and placed Nat’s suitcase on the tufted bench. I spotted some papers scattered on the kitchen floor from the corner of my eye and trying to recall if I had been working at the island recently whilst walking over, I stopped in my tracks abruptly.

 

It was  _ the _ book. Bucky’s yellow book, which he has been dragging around since he came back and hiding away whenever I was present. It was opened at the beginning, revealing both pages embellished with perfect cursive writing. 

 

Looking around the tile flooring, a stack of newspapers drew my attention. 

 

They were articles about the Avengers press from two years ago, containing pictures of all of us but mostly...myself. The paper was faded and wrinkled, cut messily as if it was ripped out. 

 

After I had gathered everything, I reached for the book but one more image flew out. It felt like all of the air was sucked out of my lungs when I saw what it was. 

 

The perfectly shaped photograph displayed a piece of the memorial in D.C., the video of Bucky and I having a laugh in between missions back in the 40’s. 

 

He had it made and...more importantly, he was there. In the museum.

 

I have almost forgotten how it felt. Being by his side, giving each other pep talks, cracking jokes, working together…

 

As I glanced over to the book, I saw a date at the top of the left page. It was obviously some kind of a diary or a journal, filled with yellow, red and green post-it page markers all the way through. 

 

The date read ‘2015’ and I knew that was when he managed to escape. Invading his privacy was the last thing I would have done then but now the temptation was too strong.

 

_ No! You wouldn’t do that to him. _

 

How could have I resisted when I had it laid out right in front of my face, practically inviting. What if he had this done on purpose, for me to read?

 

_ Keep telling yourself that. _

 

Nonetheless, I decided to flip through it quickly while Nat was sleeping. Starting to pace back and forth in the foyer, I swallowed before bringing my eyes to the first page.

  
  


_ “ _ _ September 13th, 2015 _

 

_ The man on the bridge that day… He knew me. He called me ‘Bucky’. I didn’t know who that was supposed to be. He might have mistaken me for someone else. I couldn’t remember but for some reason, I knew him too...and hesitated. I aimed my gun at him and he didn’t flinch. Just standing there. Staring in disbelief. I was done with everyone controlling my mind. I didn’t know what to do even when I was assigned to kill him. He didn’t attack back anymore, waiting for me to fire. His friends were taken too but managed to escape.  _

_ The next day, we’re facing each other again. ‘Buck.’, he said. He begged me to listen and end it but that wasn’t what I was ordered to do.. I gave my best to ignore being called his ‘friend’, shooting him in abdomen multiple times. Nothing played out the way Hydra had planned it. He wasn’t supposed to save me up on the helicarrier. But he did. It meant something to him. A blind person could see it. The way he moved and spoke. Never once has he raised his voice while trying to convince my sorry ass. He dropped his mask and the shield…”I’m not gonna fight you.. You’re my friend”. I was furious. Tackling him onto the thick bottom glass, I started throwing punches I lost count of. My left arm swinging backwards, colliding with his face in all force, nearly disfiguring it. He was my mission. It wasn’t denial. It was a memory. “Then finish it.” Surrender. Our breathing was coordinated, chest rising and falling at the same time. Me on top of him with my fist in the air, trying to bring myself to strike. “Cause I’m with you till the end of the line.” It rang a bell and I nearly lost my balance, gripping onto the star on his chest.. But what did it mean? The pain and the guilt in his eyes reflected the same anguish in the identical blue ones on the face of a small, skinny, fragile boy whose figure flashed in the back of my mind. I had an odd, heavy feeling in my throat. My grip loosened as I came to realize I was offered a chance for salvation. I didn’t know what it was. I just knew I had to protect him for some reason. It gave me a purpose.” _

 


	9. Chapter 9

My breath hitched as I exhaled heavily and heart skipped a beat way to many times while reading this piece. I slid down the wall and hit the floor hard. Shaky fingers flipped the page over.

  
  


_ “November 20th, 2015 _

 

_ ‘James Buchanan Barnes’. I took a walk through Smithsonian today and made my life even worse. It was real. I was real. “Best friends since childhood, Bucky Barnes and Steven Rogers were inseparable on both schoolyard and battlefield. Barnes is the only Howling Commando to give his life in service of his country.” The young man on the memorial, nicely groomed short hair, a uniform and a grim expression...it was me. I only remember being called ‘soldier’ but the mind treatment wasn’t unfamiliar either. Years of torture and brainwashing couldn’t prevent the fragments of past from lingering back...”  _

  
  


_ “November 27th, 2015 _

 

_ Today I went back, walked it all over and stopped by the mural for an hour. I’m getting more and more flashbacks of a man up front and it stings like hell…” _

  
  


I didn’t have time to read everything now, so I skimmed through the tear stained pages, stopping to read every third one as quickly as I could.

  
  


_ “February 21st, 2016 _

 

_ Back in the safe house in Bucharest, trying to blend in. It has been working pretty well so far but the memories are haunting. It’s getting harder to sleep and focus on the real world around. The nightmares are more frequent and Steve on my mind every second. It’s like he’s calling back. When I pulled him from the river and left him there, I backed down. Now...I’m not so sure anymore. I need a break but I also need answers… Should I find a backup home? Another person, a place or a thing… I long for nothing more than peace with others but how does one achieve it while they’re still at war with themselves?” _

  
  


_ “June 19th, 2016 _

 

_ Day 2 in New York. Made my way to Brooklyn again. Alleys, corners and diners Steve used get beaten up in haven’t changed, nor have the people. I settled in Starbucks, going for Coffee Frappuccino when I saw him enter a building across the street in Park Slope…” _

  
  


The further I read, the harder it was to remain self-possessed. 

  
  


_ “September 4th, 2016 _

 

_ Taking your own life. _

_ Interesting expression, taking it from who? _

_ Once it’s over, it’s not you who’ll miss it. _

_ Your death happens to everyone else. _

_ Your life is not your own. _

_ Keep your hands off it.” _

  
  


Sharp inhale of breath and sniffing sounds startled Nat from her nap but being met with the sight ahead, her expression reflected her heart dropping. I heard her tip toe over and slide down to my right with minor difficulty.

 

“Hey.”, I could see her looking at me in distress from the corner of my eye. As a soft hand was placed to my shoulder and rubbed circles up and down, my own shaky ones moved and tilted the book so Nat could see. 

 

I couldn’t, though. My eyes were filled with tears, making the pretty, familiar writing blurry.

 

The next one was written the day before he first came here.

  
  


_ “September 12th, 2016 _

 

_ It wakes me up at night.  _

_ It doesn’t get how dark it is outside.   _

_ It doesn’t remember the hate from yesterday. _

_ Maybe it’s because it’s a reminder of you and me and the bond we once shared. _

 

_ Two souls kept warm by each other's company. _

_ Two hearts dancing in the rain playfully. _

_ Two minds with the same thing in mind. _

_ Do you want me to be yours?  _

_ Because I want you to be mine. _

 

_ I’m a fool for distancing myself from you. _

_ Maybe that’s why I can’t admit that I loved you. _

_ Because for some reason I wouldn’t be able to accept that maybe… _

_ You might have loved me too.” _

  
  


If I had thought it couldn’t get worse than that, I would have been stupidly mistaken. The only one left was from…

 

Today. 

 

_ When did…? _

  
  


_ “September 25th, 2016 _

 

_...My only, so much that we could say, _

_ You were made just for me, _

_ Stay, never go away…” _

  
  


I stared at the lyrics for a long time, holding Nat’s hand in mine firmly between us. Her sniffing indicated that she shedded a tear too.

 

“Steve, this...wow…”, her voice was admiring and hopeful. Kissing my cheek, she struggled up and stated before walking off, “I’m happy for you.” She meant it.

  
  


Nearly fifteen minutes had passed when I eventually managed to get up and pack too. We were planning to spend the night and hopefully longer than that if everything was to go as planned.

 

“You have everything you need?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Are you sure? You wouldn’t wanna leave anything behi-”

 

“I’m certain.”, a miffed voice rang.

 

“Make sure to tak-”

 

“Steve! Oh my God, please do get on with it!”, she has been standing by the door for over twenty minutes, waiting with the biggest facepalm while I possessively cleaned everything for the third time. “I appreciate how carrying you are but we have to fucking go.”

 

We did. And so I took a hold of all our stuff, motioning to the exit for her to finally get moving but turned back the last second. On the coffee table I left Bucky’s notebook and now grabbing it once again, I hid it into my gym bag and left.

  
  


\- “I’m telling you...Nick, I did and he doesn- Yes, sir. Take care.” -

 

The doors to the tower closed on their own. As we walked round the corner, Maria came into sight, looking distressed. At least she had a nice dress on for once. Someone finally gave her a day off.

 

“Oh, thank God! It’s been an hour.”, she groaned and pocketed one of her phones, walking towards us, “How are you? How’s Rowan?”

 

She bent forward as if she was speaking to Nat’s tummy, placing a hand gently on its side to feel the girl. 

 

“The princess is ready to party. She’s been kicking all day long.”

 

“She’s gonna be just like her mama.”

 

“With brains of her dad’s, hopefully.”

 

“Oh, yeah.”, her eyes landed on me, where I stood silently observing, not really paying attention to them catching up. “You, c’mere.”

 

Her free hand pulled on my sleeve, her voice lower but still loud enough for Nat to hear, “Stark’s in the basement. I had Rhodes talk to him but he doesn’t want to join and to be honest, Cap, I can’t blame him. Wilson doesn’t care, of course. But um…”

 

She halted in front of the elevator and pressed the button. “He gets it. It’s fine. He just needs time. That’s all.”

 

“I know.”

 

We stepped inside and headed upstairs.

 

“So, you’re staying here...for how long?”, Hill asked, typing on her phone.

 

Nat glanced at me but I shrugged. If I managed to convince Bucky, maybe even longer than planned.

 

“Well, I don’t think there’s any point in going back to Sam’s. I could get the baby here. We’ve got space, people and well, they know what they’re doing.”

 

“K.”, she agreed, not looking up from her phone. “I’m getting off here. Gotta check on something and I can take your bags to your rooms on the way.”

 

As she got out, she saluted. “Have fun.”

 


	10. Chapter 10

Getting to the top floor, we walked into a hubbub of laughter and loud music. I tried to keep calm but started panicking a little inside when the picture of Bucky being lost and uncomfortable among my friends popped in my mind. The words, beautifully written in his book came back, so clear in front of my eyes, they blinded out everything around me. 

 

Everyone seemed to be having hell of a good time, though. 

 

Right at the entrance, Thor and Rhodes sat at the bar, drinking beer with Sam and cringing at what I assumed were Sam’s inaccurate impressions, judging by the disgusting faces he was making. 

 

On the right, Pepper sat comfortably with Vision and Wanda at the library section, listening to Vision with a smile on her face. He was back in human form, without the stone, looking better than ever.

 

Which reminded me, they were supposed to bring the princess of Wakand-

 

“Aaah! Damn you, Athena.”, Nat yelped and clinged onto my arm, cursing, “Stupid cat.”

 

Another one of Tony’s ‘babies’. This time, apparently, a golden siberian. As we turned around to look after where it ran, we both jumped a step back, our eyes widening. 

 

At the door stood two dark skinned, bald women wearing weird tops and long skirts, each holding a spear. They did bring the princess.

 

“Hey, dudes!”, Sam yelled, making us turn back. All three of them waved happily when Sam pointed at the back of the room and winked.

 

_ Oh, God. _

 

As Nat and I proceeded through the crowd of surprisingly almost half the employees, I noticed two kids in the corner on the left. A girl was sat in a swinging chair holding an iPad and showing something to Peter who crouched next to her, rolling on the floor from laughter.

 

_ The infamous Wakanda genius. _

 

Walking further, we reached the back and found Clint and Bruce keeping Bucky company. They sat on the couch, making jokes. 

 

I suddenly felt warm inside, seeing him laugh his ass off, as he held his stomach and made the irresistible nose scrunch, without a care in the world. 

 

When he noticed us approaching, he stood, hands in his pockets and smiled shyly at the floor, ignoring the other two. I couldn’t help but smile, too.

 

“Hey, boys!”, Nat gave Clint a fist bump and hugged Bruce from behind, making him turn and kiss her on the lips.

 

“Hi! Finally.”

 

“The party’s just getting started.”, Clint shook his hips, making us laugh.

 

She walked over to Bucky and kissed him on the cheek. “Hey, sugar.”

 

“Hi. You look great.”

 

“You’re not so bad yourself.”, she wiggled her brows, taking Clint and Bruce by their arms. “What does a lady have to do to get two fine men to get her a drink?”

 

“You can’t drink.”

 

“I told Wilson to bring almond milk just for me.”

 

They laughed and she whispered, “Break a leg.”, before dragging them back towards the bar.

 

I needed something strong. Fast.

 

Turning to Bucky, I saw him still looking at the floor, running a hand through his hair.

 

_ Gorgeous. _

 

He didn’t seem to mind the touch before but there were people around and I couldn’t help but think he might be uncomfortable with that now. When he looked up at me and smirked, I decided he wouldn’t mind and leaped forward.

 

“Hi.”, I touched the back of his hand with mine and played with our fingers. “Everything alright?”

 

“Yeah.”, he took both of my hands in his, brought them up and linked our fingers together, pulling me closer and looking lovingly into my eyes. The things I wanted to do to him at that moment. 

 

_ Swear to God… _

 

His eyes moved to my right and his smirk grew.

 

“Saps.”, I heard a female voice whisper into my ear.

 

We broke apart as I stood to Bucky’s right, still holding his real hand and facing Wanda who wore a smug look on her face. I had to admit, I wasn’t very fond of her teasing side but that was endearing.

 

______

  
  


For the most of the evening, we just sat there, whispering about everything and nothing. Bucky tangled his legs with mine and held my hands the entire time, talking  about how each person in the room seemed a perfect company. 

 

Except Tony. He hasn’t shown up once, as far as I knew. It troubled him. At one point he tensed and got anxious, asking to leave in case Tony joins and starts throwing tantrums but decided against it after all. Buck wasn’t the one to ruin the party. He was exactly the opposite and I was having the time of my life.

 

After tenth remix in a row, I couldn’t hear anything due to deafening booming in my ears. I knew it was a party but seriously…  _ Who the hell was in charge of putting together this playlist? _

 

The loud chatter was soon overpowered again by another song, this time a slow ballad. As soon as the first measure started off, Bucky’s grip grew stronger, more firm and his expression aghast. 

 

Reflexively, I put pressure to his hand as well and looked around, trying to make out the entrance of the room through the mass. It couldn’t have been Tony. Others would react too if it was him.

 

“What?”, I blurted and studied his face. There was no fear, just shock and wonder apparent.

 

Apprehensively, his eyes moved from mine into direction of the bar across the room. I followed it. 

 

My gaze landed on Clint by the DJ stand, taking off the headphones whilst laughing at five more people I couldn’t have been bothered with at that moment. Unintentionally, I believed, he caught my eye and gave me finger guns before going back to the group.

 

The suspense was eating me inside out. I hated being clueless and blind but he wouldn’t speak.

 

Then...it hit me.

  
  


_ ~...Your eyes telling me what words can say, _

_ I wish you never change, _

_ Stay, never go away...~ _

  
  


It was the song from Bucky’s notebook. The last one he wrote. My eyes widened as I glared dumbfounded back at him. 

 

_ No! Idiot, look normal. He’ll notice you know something!! _

 

But that didn’t work. We just sat there, staring at each other, absolutely speechless. Not that it weren’t up to that point but when it got unbearably awkward, he shook his head and broke the contact, looking anywhere around.

  
  


_ ~...All day long I can hear people talking out loud, _

_ But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd, _

_ Try as they may, they can never define _

_ What’s being said between your heart and mine...~ _

  
  


We stayed silent all the way through, giving each other secret glances. I could feel his eyes on me. When I thought he looked away, it was my turn but I accidentally caught his eye. 

 

All he did was smile. Simple as that.

  
  


_ ~I am yours and you are mine, bound together from the start, _

_ I will carry you until it’s time to go,  _

_ May I always be the home you come back to in your heart, _

_ I will stay, stay...~ _

  
  


As the outro played, I dared to look at where Sam and Nat were. They might have noticed something was wrong since they have spent the entire night trying not to be inconspicuous. But they didn’t seem to be paying attention at all.

 

They were dancing. With Nat’s head on his shoulder and hands encircling his forearms, their legs moved slowly to the rhythm. Behind them, Clint was knocked out, partly sprawled on the island and Bruce to his right, gazing in Nat’s direction fondly, unmistakably whipped.

 

Despite their brilliant subtilty, nobody came to interrupt us for which I was very grateful but later we figured it would be fair to join when everyone gathered together.

 

_______

  
  


At around 1am, it all died down and everyone retired to their chambers. Having bid Sam the last goodnight, so did Bucky and I.

 

“You had fun?”, I asked, looking over my shoulder, back at Bucky who was a few stairs behind, marveling at another revealed level of the building.

 

I felt a finger tug my own left pinky, pulling me backwards. “Wait up.” He turned us both around, staring in awe like a kid, murmuring a soft ‘wow’.

 

Turning the key in the lock with my other hand, I held the glass door wide open for him and tried to garner a giggle.

 

“I did have fun.”, he replied inattentively, entering the place and walking around the lounge in semi darkness. “Holy crap, this is crazy. I mean, our apartment is great but this i…”

 

_ Our apartment.  _ The last of the sentence I caught. It brought a smile to my face, seeing him like this.

 

“Wow, I love the marble.”, his palm stroked across the huge rectangle shaped island. “Nice.”

 

He did the same to the round, dark blue snuggle sofa at the very left corner of the room. “It’s pretty.”, he sat onto the back of it, patting at the linen fabric.

 

“So, um…”, trailing by the entrance, I was fiddling with my keys, struggling with words as always, “You know how I aske-”

 

“Come over, I can’t even see you from here.”

 

“I’ll turn on the ligh-”

 

“No, it’s gonna be too bright.”

 

“I could adjust it, though.”

 

The obscure shifting made me squint ahead when the moonlight brightened the place a little. The blinds were up and I could see him more clearly now. He sat back to where he was seconds ago, making an inviting hand gesture. “See? It’s better now. C’mere.”

 

I obliged and walked over slowly but still nearly killing myself as I stumbled over the bag I had Maria bring in earlier and lost my balance.

 

Not as gracefully, my hands got the hold of the sofa where he was sat, resulting in diving into his face. 

 

“Okaaay…” Thankfully, Bucky pushed me off with a tight grip.

 

“Sorry, I…”

 

“That’s okay. You okay?, he asked politely, still grasping my biceps. I answered with a curt nod.

 

When he let go, he cleared his throat, “What did you wanna tell me?”

 

I took a step, maybe two or three back, “Right. Well, if you would consider...um...It’d make me very happy...but only if you’re ready!”, I gestured in front of him and his brows rose at the last part.

 

_ Oh boy!  _ “I meant moving in wit-”

 

...

 

_ The bag. _

 

My head snapped in its direction and I shuddered. How smart it was to tell him and how brave, or rather stupid I was to do so, I wasn’t one hundred percent sure. Undoubtedly, he would get mad and lose trust he has gained over the years. How was I to look him in the eye and tell him I read the last two years of his life off a paper that was supposed to be a private possession?

 

As always, stupidity interfered with common sense and by this point, totally out of control over my actions, I moved and wangeled the yellow book out clumsily, holding it over my chest, as an exhibit for him to see.

 

I couldn’t bring my eyes up to his for the first fifteen seconds but when he said nothing, they did it of their own accord, regretting the very second. His face was emotionless, every single line, sharp curve intricate. All the light seemed to have drained his eyes, that were now staring blankly at the object in an utter disbelief.

 

“I’m sorry.”, I had to say something before he got triggered again.

 

“It lay open on the counter and the pictures were on the floor…”, and the further I kept excusing myself for prying, the deeper I felt like burying myself, “...and I didn’t mean to, but there was my picture and..and..”

 

My hands were pulled by another’s warm, kind ones, remaining to rest there, “Would you, please, breathe? It doesn’t matter.”

 

I halted, my body still from trying to slip out of his hold, my brain confronting a malfunction.

 

_ How?  _ No.. _ why?? _

 

An indescribable guilt melded with shame, flooding my entity, “But I shouldn’t have.”, I whispered, the upper part of my body drooping as if hoping to hide or vanish the lower it got.

 

“Maybe.”, he shrugged and set his gaze upon our hands, “But I’m kinda glad you did.”

 

I examined the sharp contours of his face, still hardly visible in the weak lighting. The cupid’s bow, the jawline and high cheekbones looked more out of this world each time I would discover a new angle. And those lashes-

 

“It’s not nice to stare.”, he brought his gaze up to me, one brow raising. I stuttered.

 

He chuckled at my confusion before glancing at the book, “Writing has been keeping me sane. Everything that’s in here are just random pictures I would see at any point of the day. Memories I’d write down for the fear of forgetting again.”

 

Letting go of my hands, he reached for it again, screwing up his face as he read what was written on the cover page. Something I haven’t noticed back at home.

 

_ ‘A ghost, a myth, a story of a weapon that was once a man.’ _

 

“So cringy, God!”, he humored himself but I didn’t think it was.

 

“There’s so many of them.”, I observed, referring to the countless pieces of old newspaper that flew into his lap.

 

“Yeah.”, browsing through a couple, he opened his mouth to continue but closed it again and repeated the same two more times, then sighed, closing his eyes. It was indisputable how hard this was on him, disabling him from functioning like everyone else. 

 

Putting the book aside, suddenly grinning, he outwent me and completely sabotaged my attempt to steer the situation into a more positive direction. 

 

“When we first met in D.C. and you recognized me...that must have been the first time you refused to attack or fight back.”

 

I laughed at that along with him but didn’t reply. Yes, I did fight. But not against him. I fought for him. And I was going to keep doing so as best as I could till the end.

 

“Thank you.”, his eyes fixed on my own and before I could ask, he overtook, “It’s so hard to kickoff...until you do. And then it’s the easiest goddamn thing in the world. Everything just spills out and doesn’t wanna come to a close. And then you realise you don’t want it to. You just keep going because there’s finally someone who is willing to hold their breath for you.”

 

His voice cracked and lips trembled, making the last few words slip out in a sigh. 

 

Doubt I would have been overwhelmed and as deep in awe as I was now if I have never met him before but I have known him my whole life. And only now I felt like seeing him in a different light, the real him for the first time. Free from every abusive touch and every unkind word. Allowing himself to be, regardless of the ravaging ghosts from his past. 

 

I watched him. Whole, in front of me. Every muscle and jaw relaxed, breathing steady, mind blank and heart full. His turquoise eyes, so eloquent. The pair of two teal stars, shining the brightest. They held galaxies, revealing every single atom, fragment to his soul. 

 

The feeling of intruding vanished. He was there before me, unveiling the vulnerability without any trace of shame remaining to linger. I realised I was granted boundless access to the most personal, private and intimate. Provided with liberty to decipher what I haven’t yet had the chance to encounter. 

 

With newly discovered confidence, he was entrusting me with nursing every one of his scars, acknowledging every flaw that was to be outshined with his strengths instead. 

 

“A single ray of hope that you still might’ve wanted me back, even in this edition, was the only thing keeping me sober, from putting a stop to everything.”

 

After a pair of frozen heartbeats, my palm seized his neck and jaw slow yet firmly, keeping him in place. Close. 

 

“Would you promise to be louder than the voices in my head?”

 

…

 

My job was as clear as day. With the exception of being an Avenger, I finally recognized the purpose of my existence. I was to hold him and keep him safe in every parallel universe even if there were infinitely many. I was to stand on his right, help him recognize each mistake and bad memory so we would learn from them and cherish all the good ones together.

 

Without really thinking, and I was sure I had lost my mind, I blurted, “Do I have to ask for permission to kiss you?”

 

The question roused the eruption of giggles that followed, purely reminded of the already spoken words. Unfair, that smile. Enchantingly soft lips curved up in relief.  

 

“You can kiss me without having to ask.”

 

His left arm moved slowly towards my abdomen, hard metal burning my skin through the shirt where he touched, pressing it closer. In a silent gesture of pleading, he tilted his head back slightly and eyed my lips eagerly down his nose, parting his own and inviting me move closer. And so I did.

 

Our lips came together and the world dissolved. Allowing myself to drown in the sweetest taste of remedy and innocence, I was being pulled over the back of the couch by the hem of my shirt and to my knees on both sides of his. Soft palms cupped my face before mine snatched for his wrists, pushing them onto the either side of his head. His pulse sped up.

 

It felt as if this was the first time I have given my all into something. Moving hastily, our hands roamed all over, feeling and yanking closer, having finally received an official consent to do so.

 

Pulling back first to catch my breath, I then pecked his lips once again before speaking.

 

“I would have you in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version or reality.”, his eyes lit up, lips barely agape, “You always zig when I think you’re about to zag and I just...I don’t know...I love that.”

 

He seemed speechless, pupils dilated. His arms wrapped tightly around my neck, bringing me in and relaxing even more if it were possible.

 

Soft, warm breath tingled at the back of my neck.

 

“I love you, too.”

 

_Our souls assembled. Two halfs united in a whole. We are a work in progress_ _together now._

 

My heart burst with pride and happiness as we kissed slowly, our bodies melding together for longer than expected. Or maybe not but we definitely lost the track of time as we lay comfortable, buried deep in a heap of at least six pillows in a half sitting position, holding each other as if afraid we might lose one another again. 

 

Everything muted, only the wind outside disturbing the tranquility of a chilly September night.

 

“How do you feel?”, I whispered when I have finally managed to find my voice. 

 

His eyes closed, forehead against my own, he hummed back once as he rubbed our noses together in a soothing manner. The metal arm was still tugging slightly at my shirt while mine rested at the back of his neck, fingers running through soft curls. It lowered shortly to the sharp jawline, my thumb brushing over his lower lip.

 

“Like never leaving this behind.”

  
  


_ I want you at the end of my life. I want to see your face when I fall with grace at the moment I die. _

  
  


His hand roamed through my hair whilst my lips left soft pecks on his knuckles where our fingers interlaced.

  
  


_ Is that alright? _

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you’ve managed to get through the entire thing, thank you so much, it means the world! I’d appreciate the feedback!❤❤❤


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